MAYBE THIS IS IT

10:30pm and on my way back to work again for an overnight shift. I get dressed, throw on some shoes, grab the trash, and lock up. And as I'm walking out to the dumpster, I think to myself, "Maybe this is it."

Maybe this is all it is. Life. Maybe life is actually just working, cleaning, taking care of yourself the best you can, friends, family. Maybe it's not supposed to be this magnificent journey of diamonds and rainbows and a love that is so spectacular and joyful that no one else could ever measure up. And for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I felt totally content with this thought. I have never felt content with the thought that my life wasn't supposed to be some big, elaborate show for people to be jealous over or pine for. I don't know why. I don't know what happened in my life that made me believe that life was anything other than what it is. But, nothing ever felt like enough. Ever. Until now.

I don't want to sound as if I've lost hope or vision for life. I would love to travel the entire world, find a love that rocks all other relationships to their core, and aspire to have the most amazing, non-complicated job of all time that allows me to be home and have kids and la-ti-da. That sounds amazing. And it is. It would be. But, I don't know if that's anyone's life at all. And why I've always thought it was, baffles me.

I look at some of my friends who I feel have it all. And when they say that they are having a hard time, I always think, "Well, sure, we all have bad days, but you have SO much to be thankful for. You have it all!" But, what is having it all? What does that mean? Because, sure. They are happy and they have amazing things and people in their lives. But, the struggle is real on all spectrums of life. Having no relationship and no children has different challenges than having five children and a marriage, sure. But, challenges just the same.

What if they are looking at you, thinking the same thing. What if on the days that I get to sleep all day and binge watch Netflix and eat ice cream out of the container and scroll through IG for 5 hours and get lost in the dark hole of YouTube, they are wishing that they could do that very thing rather than what they are doing? Is that possible? Is it possible that there are people out there that crave MY life? As simple and mundane as it all is?

I'm not sure why I've always craved complicated. I just seem to always want to make my life harder than what it is. But as I was walking to the dumpster tonight, I didn't feel any hate toward this life I'm living. I didn't feel any need to do anything to ruffle the feathers or make waves. I just felt so okay with going to work, making money, going home to my cats, and going back to sleep. And it's the strangest thing I've ever felt.

What I think is wonderful about this is that my mind feels clear. It's always been so jumbled with thoughts of what I COULD be doing. What I SHOULD be doing. How to make something BETTER or more INCREDIBLE. But the thought of doing this. Just this. Forever. Doesn't feel so scary anymore. It feels peaceful.

There are so many things that I want to do still. I am not sure if I want to continue down this path of career. I have aspirations that I've had since a kid that I want to pursue. But I feel prepared to make those decisions now. I feel clear minded enough to say, "This is not impulsive, this is a sound decision about something that's going to make me happy and fulfilled."

And this idea that the next job or career isn't going to bring just as much stress or more stress or be longer hours or harder days is all just a dream. If I chose to change careers, it definitely wouldn't be because it's an easier route. In fact, my dreams are far too large for that scenario to even be possible. But, I have always gone into everything thinking, "Maybe this will be different. Maybe THIS is what I want. Maybe THIS will MAKE me happy." But, I don't think anything can MAKE you happy. I think you make yourself happy.

A job is always going to be just a job. Whether it's philanthropic or not. It's just a job. And this idea that we NEED to change the world in order to put food on our table and a roof over our heads is not only arrogant but also a little strange. I think that what we do outside of our jobs is what makes us special. The extra work we put in. Whether it's work into our families or friends. Work into volunteering or advocating. THAT'S the stuff that we can say "I did good today." And it's not to say we shouldn't enjoy our jobs or at least part of it. But to think that we are going to ever have this perfect job with the perfect schedule that helps everyone. Where you sleep soundly at night and never have any falters is unrealistic.

I bet there are many of you, if not all of you, saying, "Yeah, we are fully aware of this."

Would you believe me if I told you I legitimately just figured this out? I mean, it's sort of amazing to think that only one month before my 35th birthday I could figure out such a huge part of life. And more then figure it out, accept it. And truly be okay with it. I can't begin to tell you what happened or what was said to me in my life that ever made me feel like I was better or more special than the next person. And that I deserved more. No clue. But I don't.

I deserve what I work for. And that's it. I am where I am because of hard work. Not luck. And that observation changes the way you think about EVERYTHING. Knowing that it was YOUR hard work that put you here, rather than believing that it was what you deserved. And at this moment, it's my choice. To stay here and move forward or change and move forward. But either way, you're just moving forward. You're not moving up or sideways. You're not doing bigger, better loops in life than anyone else. You're just moving forward. Finding and doing what makes you content with life.

And maybe this really is it.