NEW YEAR, SAME ME

I don't make new year's resolutions. I used to. But I don't anymore. New years resolutions are full of guilt and extreme one sided attempts. As I've said, balance is the only way to a healthy life, in my opinion. So, someone who thinks like me, you can imagine I hate the idea of selling myself short with this all or nothing situation where if I skip a day or eat cake, I feel nothing but anxiety and anger. I choose to eat cake. I choose to skip a day. I choose balance. I choose happiness.

The "new year, new me" aspect of living is such a horrible moral. This idea that the only way to improve, grow, learn, or master a skill is to start fresh, start over, or begin again. The only way to accomplish something is to wait for a new year. Giving you the excuse that you can not improve and not grow for the last six months of the year, once you've "failed." It causes us to feel like once we've failed, that's it. We hear it from our spouses, friends, family, and kids. Where you can't ever falter or skip a beat.

So I'm the same old me. Just slightly bit wiser and more ready than ever to take on more responsibility. I purchased furniture for the first time in 2.5 years. I am going back to school. And the only reason I made it this far. The only reason I am where I am. Is because I didn't give up, even when I made a mistake. Even when I wasn't perfect. I just kept going. Ups and downs didn't stop me. And when we shame people for having down moments, weeks, or months, we stop the process of forward momentum. Because, what's the point?

For me, the only way around this was to eliminate everyone toxic from my life. I physically and emotionally could not handle it. I could not handle their comments. About my weight. My career. My divorce. My marriage. My future dating life. Kids. On and on. I was not strong enough to hear those comments and be able to move on without feeling like I was taking two steps back in life. People do not realize how hurtful their words are. And how deeply they cut. And because they can't realize it, I had to just let them go. It was the only way, for me.

So, I've created this small space. Small space with people who don't make negative comments to me, no matter how often I fail. No matter how often I change my mind and change it back. No matter how much my mood shifts. No matter how much I struggle or succeed. And that's what I needed in order to get to where I am today. When I first got rid of all the negative people from my life, it started as "I'll let them back in once I'm stronger and can hear their criticism without taking it to heart or letting it ruin me." Then, after time went by, I thought.. Why would I ever want to hear those comments ever? Even if I am strong enough? Why invite that back into my life? Why risk the work I've done?

Being the same me for 2.5 years doesn't mean I haven't change. It just means I haven't allowed time to tell me when to change. Or improve. Or make big moves. I have just let it happen naturally. I have allowed myself to grow and falter naturally and with self-awareness that "this too shall pass." And that depression and anxiety are feelings too. And they aren't forever. But I refuse to put a smile on my face when I'm sad. Or pretend to be happy and excited when I'm not. And isn't that what we hear when we are sad? That we need to just suck it up and "life sucks sometimes?" Who thinks that's helpful? I don't.

I don't want to start working out because it's the first of the year. I don't want to start eating right because the start of a month. And I don't want to start going to bed earlier or practicing self-care because it's the beginning of a week. I just want to do what feels good 100% of the time. And toxic people don't understand that. They want to just tell you that "you can't do everything you want to do all the time" and "sometimes as an adult, you just have to do things you don't want to do." And my question is, why? And also, no thank you. If I want to sleep all day, I sleep all day. If I want to hike, I hike. If I want to go do yoga, I go. If I want to eat fast food, I eat it. I don't do what doesn't feel good. Ever. And I don't think anyone should.

That's why I don't like new year's resolutions. Cause it creates this huge moment, where it's not about you being ready. It's time telling you you're ready. And in my experience as a clinician and as a human, doing something before you're truly ready or you actually want to, is a recipe for disaster, regret, shame, and disappointment. It also causes binge behavior. Like, when you don't eat bread because you gave it up. So you go three months without bread and one night you're out with your girlfriends and they have bread on the table and you're a little drunk so you're like "fuck it!" And then you can't just have one. You have to have 4. And so you wake up the next morning feeling like a failure. And say to yourself, "Well, I ate bread last night, it's not gonna hurt to eat bread today too. I'll start again tomorrow." So then you eat as much bread as you can that day because it's the "last day" you're going to be able to have it. It's a horrible cycle of self-hatred. What a horrible way to live. Just eat the fucking bread. Whenever. Right now. Tomorrow. Forever.

I have started to just live. I used to say things like "When I lose ten pounds, I'll..." or "When I can run 5 miles, I'll..." Life doesn't start after ten pounds or ten miles. It's happening right now. And I can't tell you how many years of my life I've lost living that way. Living, believing, that I can be happy and successful once I've accomplished another goal. You know when I've been the happiest? When I stopped trying to accomplish goals at all and just let time run it's course and let life experiences show me what I'm most passionate about. The hardest thing to do, ever, is to slow down when the world looks at you like you're a piece of shit if you're not always attempting to accomplish Nirvana. But Nirvana is not the same for everyone. And by living your life attempting to hit this unattainable and undefined goal, you're going to find yourself running to nowhere. Cause it's not going anywhere.

Stop running. Stop running from your life. For a life. For happiness. From sadness. Just stop running, period. That train is going nowhere. When I stopped running, that's when I found what I was looking for. It was on another path entirely. One that I couldn't see because I was so focused on what other's thought I should be doing. Have I increased my salary, been promoted, or invented the next best thing in the last 2.5 years? Nope. But, I've increased my wealth of knowledge and self-love. I've been promoted to yogi, body positive warrior, activist, and reader. And I've invented a life for myself that is worth living. That has no guilt or resentment attached to it. That doesn't make me want to die or give up.

In world that tells you that more is better, choose less. In a world that tells you that perfection is better, choose average. In a world that tells you that killing yourself for a paycheck is good, choose simplicity and vacation and self-care. The road to everything goes nowhere and provides nothing. Nothing substantial. On your death bed, you're not going to wish you'd become a CEO or had a million dollars. You're not going to wish you'd lost that twenty pounds. You're not going to wish you'd been liked by the people at your snooty gym. You're going to wish you'd lived better, loved harder, experienced more. You're not going to regret eating bread or three pieces of cake on your birthday. You're going to wish you'd dove deeper into life, with a few extra pounds, and an abundance of love and joy.

So, here's to no new year resolution. Here's to the same old me. Here's to starting and stopping on our own terms. Doing what feels good, when it feels good. Having nothing and yet feeling everything. Going nowhere and yet being everywhere all at once. In love, in life, in happiness, and fulfillment. Never stopping but never moving anywhere too fast. And most importantly, to not letting time dictate when and where or how.