A LITTLE ABOUT ME

Hello!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you've chosen to read my blog, because it's something I've been working on for a very long time. A lot of these stories and "chapters," if you will, are things that I've written prior to starting this blog. Some, however, will be new. Writing has been an outlet for me for as long as I can remember. It's been sort of a deep, dark secret of mine. I have started to write several books over my lifetime, none of which I finished; and all of which are on some giant, 1995 desktop computer, probably at the bottom of some trash site. I used to blog on MySpace, back when that was cool. My apologies to anyone brave enough to read that shit, now.

I started this journey writing a book. A book that I hope to publish someday. However, I'm learning to think in steps and in small goals, rather than jumping head first into a large goal that without baby steps and acceptance of the hard work it will take, will more than likely never happen. I'm an all-in kind of girl. I always have been. Wear my heart on my sleeve and willing to love no matter how many times I get hurt. But, I'm learning that sometimes life is not all or nothing. You don't have to be in love with someone or hate them. You don't have to not write a book at all or write the whole thing in one day. It's not that simple.

My life has been...

Hmm.. I'm sitting here, trying to think of a word to describe my life in fear of using a word that makes me appear to be extremely dramatic. If I use the word "crazy.." well, my life has not been nearly as crazy as compared to others. Compared to stories I've heard. So, I don't know how to describe my life, except like this...

I have lived a lot of lives. At 33, I feel as though I've experience more than maybe what I should have experienced by now. Fuck. I hate the word "should." Um... I feel as though I've experience more than maybe the average 33 year old. The only way to describe my life it is to compartmentalize each section that I feel has been separate from the others. For example, birth to 16. 16 to 18. 18 to 22. 22 to 26. 26 to 32. 32 and counting. Each section of my life has been astronomically different and I've learned more about myself than I ever thought I could.

This blog is not an outlet for my anger. It's not a place for me to come and rant about my shitty day or my crappy boyfriend (which I don't have, btw.. that was just an example) or talk about how I keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. That would be extremely frustrating for you, I'm sure. There's nothing more annoying than the girl who continues to make the same mistakes again and again and then complains and wonders why her life never changes.

But, those are a lot of the stories that you're going to hear about on this blog. Past stories of my life that got me to where I am today. Stories of how I've climbed up and up and up a latter that I can't stand in an attempt to find success and acceptance that I don't want. Only to find myself here. I have nothing and somehow, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. I say "happy," cautiously. Like I said, I'm trying to not live in the extreme. I use the word happy because otherwise society thinks you're sad. But, the truth is, I'm not happy. And I'm not sad. I'm completely and utterly, terrifyingly and perfectly content.

The introduction on this blog is something that I wrote a while ago, right when I decided to make this dream of mine a reality. When I finally chose to take all the notes I'd been writing in my phone for years and turning them into a project. Into something with substance. Something others can relate to. Something that will inspire someone else, maybe to write, as well. These are my stories. My denial. My anger. My moments of bargaining. My depression. And my acceptance. All the things that make up who I am. So unapologetically me. My five stages of fuck you.