"I'VE BEEN SLEEPING SO LONG IN A TWENTY-YEAR DARK NIGHT, BUT NOW I SEE DAYLIGHT.." -TAYLOR SWIFT

I am not guilty of having a lot of regret. I have been blessed with the ability (or maybe I just learned how) to not beat myself up for my past. I've done some pretty shitty stuff to people, mostly my family, when I was younger. Just being young, dumb, and selfish. But, as I get deeper into this journey that I'm on now, I keep having these flash backs of moments where I was at a crossroads and had a choice to go one way or another. Of course, looking back now, it's so easy to say "I definitely shouldn't have done that.." But, I've taken it a step further. What would my life look like if I hadn't taken that path?

Seven years ago, my ex-boyfriend dumped me. Pretty suddenly. And it destroyed me. I truly, with all of my heart, no doubt or questions thought he was the one for me. I had never had such an easy relationship. Someone I could have as a lover, and not fight all the time. I was only used to having these relationships where we fought all the time. Screaming at each other into the night, every other night and it was exhausting. I hated fighting. It was so nice being with him. He was funny and easy going and never took anything too seriously. He had such a good sense of humor and helped me to be much less rigid. Coming from a very uptight family, his influence definitely helped me to loosen up and be myself more. And it was everything. It was like breathing new air.

I spent five months getting over him. Crying for hours in the bathtub. Crying myself to sleep. It was by far the hardest break up I'd ever been through. And then one night, around 1am, he texted me and told me that he thought about me all the time. That he loved me. And that he wanted to marry me. The sound of the vibration woke me up that night. I remember the moment I saw the text. I remember a very small moment thinking that I was definitely not going to text him back. But within seconds, I did. I asked a few questions first. Like, is this really you, for example? After no contact for five months, ZERO CONTACT, why would he randomly text me? But, it was him. And he was serious. So I asked him to come over and we were instantly back together. And at the time it was the best decision I ever made. Two years later he would become my husband. And three years after that, he would become my ex-husband.

I think all the time about how I was SO YOUNG when all of this happened. 27. And sometimes I feel like he stole my youth. Some of the best days of my life were spent with someone who inevitable would give up on me without hesitation. Someone who only wanted me for my looks, at the end of the day, and when I no longer fulfilled that fantasy for him, was hellbent on 1) letting me know it and 2) wanting nothing to do with me. I gained more weight in that relationship than in any relationship I'd ever been in. And the lack of respect I received is unfathomable. Going from someone looking at you like you're the most beautiful woman in the entire world to being grossed out to even touch you. You go through a lot of questions in a time like that. Like, I'm the same person I was when you met me, in fact, I'm a better person now.. why would you not want to be with me?" It was very hard for me to grasp that my husband, a man who was supposed to have married me for ME, wanted nothing to do with me once I gained weight. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing that someone was only with you for your looks and your body. But, what if I had never texted him back that night? What if I decided that I was done with him and was moving on?

Right before he broke up with me, I actually quit college. I really struggled as a student and rather than asking me what would help or what I'm passionate about, he would just shame me for it.. right after telling me that the degree I wanted to pursue was stupid and I would never get paid for that. So, I felt that I wasn't allowed to go for the degree that I enjoyed. But, I was also required to stay in school, taking courses that I wasn't good at or had no internet in. So, I quit. Thinking, maybe this isn't for me. Truth is, the shame he made me feel also motivated me. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have gone back and finished college was it not for that shame. I did it for all the wrong reasons, obviously. I went back to college and finished because I knew that he wouldn't love me as much and he would lose respect for me if I chose to not complete college. But, in the end, I completed my bachelor's degree. (In the degree I was passionate about btw.. I'm not a total doormat lol.. ;)

Soon after graduating from undergraduate, I was accepted and started graduate school. Graduate school CHANGED ME. I got my degree in counseling and it forced me to look at myself, my life, and the way I looked at the world. I'm unsure if every degree makes you have an experience like this, but counseling definitely does. I had several friends who told me that 90% of their counseling graduate class, who was married, was divorced before they graduated with their masters. It does something to you that I can't explain. But, two months before I graduated with my master's degree, I left my husband. Graduate school was a threat to him, whether he wants to admit it or not. In the 7 years we were together, I had completed my undergraduate and graduate degree and he had finished his undergraduate degree. We graduated on the same day. I believe he was threatened by my success. I also believe he would never admit that. Counseling graduate school changed everything about me. I found my voice and I wasn't afraid to use it. I became strong and powerful and ready to fight for myself. I still didn't know what to do with my voice or what it meant to be a strong and powerful woman, but I was definitely no longer the woman he married. She was better. Not just someone pretty to look at. She had grit now.

I give almost 100% of my graduating undergrad to his shame. But, graduate school, I feel like that I did on my own. My own choice and my own desire and passion. But, I never would have been able to go to graduate school had I not finished undergrad. I think about what I would be doing had I never gone back to college. Honestly.. waiting tables? Maybe promoted to manager by now? On my feet, day in, day out, doing something I'm good at but hate. Waiting tables was a destiny. My grandmother was the manger of a large, very expensive, very popular restaurant. My mom was a waitress or waited tables on the side, from the day I was born until about mid high school. I was introduced to that business around age 12 when I would help the hostesses seat people in the restaurant my mom worked in. To be honest, it feels weird to NOT be waiting tables. And I think all the time, should I get a side gig? Waiting tables? LOL. It's like it's part of me. And I'm sure of it, that's what I would be doing had a never gone to college. And while there is nothing wrong with waiting tables. I even miss it sometimes, it is just a very different lifestyle than I live now. I tried waiting tables again right after my divorce and thought it was going to kill me. My feet were in actual pain every day. It's hard work.

Had I never texted him back that night, I would have never been a homeowner, or known what that looks like, how to do it, and what it means to own a home. I was so in love with our first house. It felt like such an accomplishment for me. To go from "girl going nowhere" to being in graduate school, having a career, and owning a home. It was everything my mother ever wanted for me. And I was doing it. It's not that I COULDN'T have bought a home had I never met him or gotten back together with him, but I just don't think I would have or could have. These thoughts are, of course, coming from had a not met anyone else and started a relationship with someone new. My mom did not own her first home until I was a freshman in high school. I lived in apartments my whole life. And it's just one more reminder that we tend to stay in whatever situation we were raised in. We feel that is all we are made for. All we have the drive for. All we are allowed to have. I would probably be waiting tables and living in an apartment had I not texted him back that night. Just living out and repeating the life I saw my mother have for a long, long time. I could go on a whole rant about poverty and white privilege here, be glad I don't lol. But, seriously, if you don't see the pattern here, you should take a long moment to reflect on what I'm saying in this paragraph.

Anyway, moving on.

Had I not texted him back that night, I'm not sure I would have ever found the drive to find my voice. I fear I would be married to some man, kind but controlling. Justing giving in to the societal way of life. Dinner on the table every night in order to live the life that my mother wanted for me. Big house, nice car, kids, etc. Texting him back that night started the very, very long but inevitable and beautiful journey that I'm on now. Would I have ever had enough of being treated like less than equal? Would I have found someone who treated me JUST good enough that I never found my voice or felt like I needed it? My marriage to him helped catapult me into the woman I am today. And what would I be, how would I be, who would I be had I not texted him back that night? Sure, I wouldn't be sitting in yet another apartment with my two cats writing this blog. But I also wouldn't have the insight that I have now. That an apartment with my two cats is better than any relationship where you're not respected or loved for exactly who you are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is. I could dwell all day about how he stole my youth. I could complain that I spent 7 of my best years with him, for nothing. I could be angry that I'm sitting here in my apartment with two cats, rather than living societies expectations of me. Or I could think about how I may not be who I am today had I not texted him back that night. I am so in love with who I am. So, unconditionally in love with her. I just can't imagine not being me. And where would life have taken me had I not been poorly treated? What would life be like had I not been fat shamed? What kind of woman would I be had I never been pretty much forced to find my voice. To get my degrees and find the strength inside of me that I never ever knew I had? What would have happened? I have no idea. And that's why there's no point in dwelling on any of it. And to just be thankful for exactly where I am right now. And be thankful for each path I took. Whether looking back now, was the wrong path. Each path I lived brought me here. And I couldn't be more thankful for that.

I have no shame being a twice-divorced, single, cat lady. I wouldn't give up this life for anything. I am more stable now than I've ever been. And while society might look at my life and my apartment and believe that I have nothing and am "probably unhappy." Society could not be more wrong. I am fulfilled. My cup runneth over. I have everything I need and want. And this strength, happiness, drive, and insight is worth more to me than anyone could ever offer me. It's priceless. It's worth more to me than how society sees happiness and success. You may not understand me or want to live your life like me. And that's okay. I'm okay with living this life alone, if needed. The silence feels like a warm hug to me now. I enjoy every minute that I get to live on my own terms. It's hard to imagine a higher level happiness past this moment. But, I've said that before.