"THEY WHISPER IN THE HALLWAY, 'SHE'S A BAD, BAD GIRL..'" -TAYLOR SWIFT

I was texting with a friend today asking her a million questions, about something I was interested in, that she would know about. I wouldn't say she and I are close friends but close enough for me to feel like I can text her. But the whole time I was asking her these questions, I felt more and more like a burden to her. Nothing that she was doing at all. It was completely in my head. And at the very end of our conversation, I began texting, "I'm so sorry for all the questions!" I typed it out, looked at it in disgust, and erased it. I read somewhere alternatives for saying "I'm sorry" and I decided to try it tonight. So, instead I wrote, "Thank you for listening to all my questions! I appreciate you." And I felt so empowered. And that's when I decided, tonight, just about an hour ago, that I was 100% done apologizing for EVERYTHING. Mostly, I am done apologizing for who I am as a person. 

The worst part about all of this is, USUALLY, no one is actually wanting me to apologize or explain or change who I am at all. It is 100% a conditioned behavior and a toxic thinking pattern. Mostly from having a mother who made a dirty look at me if I did anything exploratory or out of her normal. I remember as a kid, apologizing for trying new things, being different, liking certain music, liking certain foods, laughing at certain things, hanging out with certain people. And I can still see that condescending look on her face causing me to question everything I think I know and want to explore. Causing me to never feel comfortable being exactly who I am, no matter how taboo or unusual that may be. 

I have struggled my whole life with questioning everything. I brag to people that I "ask permission, not forgiveness." I am always so worried about what people think and how I am making them feel. I am constantly altering the way I think or how I talk for those around me. And I become frustrated when people don't get me. Which causes me to just conform to whatever they think is right because it's so much easier sometimes than crossing that gray line of social norms. I just feel like a caged tiger dying to escape sometimes. And tonight I just had enough. Of myself, essentially. Of holding myself back. I have had enough of making myself quiet when people say I'm loud. I am done making myself small because people say I'm too outgoing. I'm just over being a puppet on a string. 

So what now?

No really, like, what now? I don't know what I want. Where I want to go. How do I want to dress? What do I want to represent? What causes do I want to fight for? I'm not trying to recreate myself, that's how people will take it, but it's more like, I have no idea who I am. I know what I like or WANT to like. I know what interests me. I don't know how to manifest that into something that's mine. And I think that comes along with never allowing yourself to be who you are. As soon as you decide you want to, it's like.. well.. who is that though? I gave myself a two year plan but I know me. I won't sit still for 2 years. I just won't. Even if I want to.

Here's what I know:

I don't want to be in Texas anymore. I want to be on or near a beach somewhere. I want to write a book and write full time. I don't want to do counseling anymore. I want to go back to college to obtain a bachelor's degree in English with a focus on creative writing. I want to learn to meditate in a way that cleanses my soul. I want to take care of my body with intuitive eating and low impact exercise, like yoga. I want to live in a tiny house, whether I build it, rent it, or buy it. Whatever. I want to continue living minimalistically. I want to meet someone organically and not on some fabricated website full of people pretending to be who they need to be in order to find "love." I want to spend my days hiking and traveling. I want to help women love themselves like I've learned, and am still learning, to do. I want to be a loud voice for quiet people. I want to always be relatable, humble, and empathetic. And mostly, I never ever want to forget where I come from and this moment right now.

Today I stopped apologizing for myself and I plan to manifest this in my daily life. I can't tell you where I'm going to go. What I'm going to do. What I want or need. But I can tell you this. From this moment on, everything I do, I'm doing only for me. And I'm not going to apologize for cancelled plans, indecisiveness, impulsive behaviors, risky moves, how I talk, how to move, how I live. I have been waiting for some clarity all week this week. And maybe I don't have everything figured out, but this I do have clarity on. And maybe that's enough for now. When I started this journey, I said that I was going to strip myself of everything a build a solid foundation for myself based on all the things that I want and make decisions that no one else played a part in controlling. And two years later, I feel like I am still creating that foundation. And there are days that I became anxious and just want to move on to the part where I start to build up again. But I just have to trust in the process. It has not failed me yet.