"ALL I THINK ABOUT IS KARMA." -TAYLOR SWIFT

Most days nothing bothers me. I feel like I have released so much toxic energy from my life that I am able to feel peace. Most days I can talk myself through almost any feeling. Most days I love my life and feel alive and content. Some days, however, I hate everyone. Some days, I feel no hope for this world. It feels like everything fails and everyone lies. How are we supposed to have any kind of relationship when it feels like you can trust no one? Sometimes I feel so much hate inside of me that I want to do anything and everything to destroy people who deserve it. Make them pay. Make them hurt the way they hurt others.

You're thinking it. I'm just saying it.

I think that these are completely normal feelings to have. What separates us apart, however, are those who just think them and those who act on them. It is one thing to think about who you would murder if The Purge was really a thing. It's a whole other thing to act on it. "Ok, psycho," is what you're thinking. But, don't tell me you haven't thought about it. If I'm being honest, there is no one that I hate that much. But that doesn't mean that these angry, hateful, malicious thoughts don't cross our minds from time to time.

What keeps me from acting on these thoughts and impulses is Karma. Call me naive, but I have personally witnessed Karma's work. When I was younger, I always thought that I had to be the tattle tale. I had to make sure that the teacher knew that someone did something wrong. Or that some guys girlfriend needed to know he was cheating on her. And then I grew up and realized that without laying a hand in the fire at all, things just somehow have a way of working out. Don't get me wrong, I still have the thoughts. I have just learned that getting involved actually just makes me look like a psycho and stooping down to their level of immaturity and maliciousness is something I'm not willing to be a part of.

The hardest part about allowing Karma to do its job is that there is a likely chance that you'll never see it happen. You'll never get to have that "told you so" moment. Or revel in someone's inevitable hell. Karma usually takes a lot longer to work than if you just deal with it. But, the person who it's happening to is so much more likely to learn a lesson from Karma than from me being a psycho and throwing shit in their face. Anger is a very strong emotion but the strongest people I know are the ones who know how to control it. Who can walk away. Who can use silence as their weapon. Who can say "fuck you" by saying absolutely nothing at all.

And here I am. The hardest part of keeping my mouth shut is that sometimes I feel it boil up inside of me. Ready to blow and destroy everything around me. The process of controlling my anger eats me up sometimes and I have to really make sure that my pride doesn't get the best of me. It is by far the hardest thing that I've ever learned to do. I am very proud of the fact that I do not allow anger to take over me. That I'm able to walk away and let go of toxic energy without actually contemplating mass destruction or losing any sleep.

I have been guilty of allowing my anger to get the best of me. But, for me, that is a sign that I need to GET. OUT. Get out of whatever situation I am in because whatever is happening, I am not myself. While I am a strong believer that we all need to take responsibility for our actions and behavior. It is not a secret that there are people who bring it out in us more than others. That sometimes people will poke and poke and poke the tiger until it attacks, on purpose. And then, of course, blame you and call you a lunatic or "out of control." Should you have controlled yourself? Sure. But, you should also learn what situations and what kind of people you cannot be around. The kind of people who laugh when you're vulnerable. Or smile when you're hurting. RUN.

This year has really tested me. Most of it small, but a lot of it very, very hurtful. I lose hope in humanity more often than I used to. I feel like the world is waiting for me to stop talking so it can speak. Like no one is listening. Everyone is so selfish. So self-involved. So one-sided. Unwilling to open their minds to new ideas. Unable to give credit. So jealous and boastful. Narcissistic and vain. Racist and sexist. Often I find myself wondering how we got here and then I just stop and sit in my bubble, away from everyone and tell myself that there is no use in wondering at all. It's so much bigger than me.

I can't watch the news anymore. I got rid of Facebook almost four years ago. Yet it still affects me. In the way people treat each other. In the way people judge so harshly. How we write people off for mental illness and/or addiction or simply living differently than they do. That we even have to remind people to treat others with kindness and not hate each other based on the color of our skin, jobs, political stances, or religion. How did we stray so far from the direction of acceptance, love, peace, and kindness?

They say ignorance is bliss. And oh, is it. I would like to say that I am educated on politics and that I get involved and attempt to make a difference, but I honestly feel like I would break. I don't think I would be able to handle it. I tend to be pretty sensitive. Which is not a quality that most people see in my personality initially. They typically see me being strong, witty, and self-sufficient. But, if you know me well, you know that I cry at car commercials. That I feel ev-ery-thing. That a simple lyric from a song can drive me to make a huge change in my life. That I'm listening and observing and feeling everything around me. Someone like me would go crazy if they got involved.

The only outlet I really have is my writing. I think there's MAYBE ten people that read this blog. But, if even just one of them feels some relief that I, too, have evil thoughts sometimes, then I'm okay with that. I feel like each of us contributes to the world in some way, shape, or form. But a lot of us are silenced by societies judgements. It took me a really long time to find my voice. To realize that I actual prefer silence over arguing. That I prefer to write how I'm feeling over telling you off. And even in my writing, I don't reveal too much. I think there is a better way to express your opinion than putting someone down or making bold statements that can hurt someone and make them feel like their opinion doesn't matter.

We speak so matter-of-factly sometimes. I hear people say things and then think, "if I asked them why they feel that way, I don't think they'd be able to tell me." Some might pick at that thread and fuck with people or try to make them feel stupid. But, I take the road of saying nothing. Fighting solves nothing and honestly, what are you really fighting about? And why is it bothering you so much? I swear, next time something bothers you enough to want to fight about it, why don't you ask yourself why you're so upset by it? And "I just am" is not a reason.

It breaks my heart that there is a kid out there somewhere who wants so badly to be a writer, or a poet, or a musician, or an artist and they are told that it's not a profession. That it's useless and worthless work. There is a need for almost everything in this world. Why is being an artist not considered useful or educational but you'll pay $20 to go to the Louvre in Paris just to witness the Mona Lisa? Why is mowing lawns beneath you, but you'll pay $5000 to completely renovate your landscaping? How can people not see that there is merit in most everything.

As time passes and more and more people inevitably leave my life, I say farewell. Farewell to your hateful comments and toxic nature. I don't know how to change the world, but I do know how to change my world and it starts with never allowing anyone to fuck up my path. It may seem harsh or irrational, but is it? Or is that just what we are taught? Sure being alone sucks sometimes. But does it suck as much as being surrounded by people who don't get you. Don't want to. Don't try to? Does it suck worse than talking and not being heard or feeling like you have to be someone else in order to have respect? But, society is so afraid of loneliness. So it promotes keeping a smile on your face and enduring fake happiness.

I've taken hard blows in life. Each step I take, I feel like I'm dodging bullets just trying so hard to take another step and another one until I find my place in this world. Constantly feeling judged and misunderstood. Starting over and trying something new each time something doesn't work out the way I thought it would. But I know now that no matter what I do, I will be judged by someone. I cannot and will not win that battle. It just hurts my soul that this is a fact that we all have to live with. And that there are actually people of high power who endorse it. Who make it okay. I will never understand it. But I will accept it. Because acceptance of things you cannot control is the only path to sanity.

At the end of the day, I just remember that Karma will do what it does. And all of you. All you haters and judgers. You'll one day feel the pain I feel when I swallow my pride instead of telling you what I think you need to hear. When I allow you to appear higher and more powerful than myself, when you are not. How it feels to be played a fool. What it's like to feel unheard and under appreciated. I do not need to interfere or say a word. I choose silence. I choose the high road. Positivity. Peace. Love. I choose to be the bigger person. So live it up in your castle of lies.

I may have gotten mine. But you, my friend, you will get yours.