"AM I JADED? AM I MEANT TO FEEL THIS WAY? I'M A LOSER GETTING BEAT BY MY OWN GAME."-GABRIELLE APLIN

What do you call a girl who wouldn’t know love if it punched her in the face?

How do you tell that girl, whose been hit in the face too many times to count

With both words and fists

Manipulation and control

How do you explain to her that she deserves love?

I’ve been hit so many times that sometimes it feels fucking good

Sometimes I believe it’s what I deserve

Sometimes bleeding is the only thing that makes me feel alive

The only way to see my pulse

So when someone wants to hold my hand rather than hurt me

I shutter and call them desperate or clingy

Is love not chasing you, begging you, crying for you to love me

While you hold me tight at arms length

So if you lay your love down on the ground in front of me and I kick it away

Just know that I don’t deserve you

My brain is wired to believe that your unconditional love has some sort of manipulation tied to it

It’s a puppy that’s going to bite me

It’s a beach day with rain

It’s a blissful sleep waking up to a nightmare

Your love is too good for me, my brain says

I’ll push your good intensions away

I only know how to suck up hatred

I'm a goddamn pro

And I'll take it all in and hold onto it for you

Take it from you so you don’t have to feel hate anymore

And I’ll let your hate eat me away until I don’t have any feelings left

Until I forget who I am and who I want to be

Until I forget what music I like and what opinions are my own

Until I am an empty shell of a human, walking around in slow motion

But go on and be free of your demons

I’ll pack them away for you in my heart

So you can feel free and unencumbered

So you can never feel pain

I’ll feel it for you

Please strip me of what I have left

There was not much there to begin with

Please use me up

Please fuck my body

Please manipulate my mind

Please control my thoughts

Use me for whatever you need

And when you're done, throw me to the ground

It's what I deserve

Where I belong

Do your worst

I can’t feel it anyway

Just say nice things to me from time to time

So I can trick myself into believing that you're good for me

It will help me to stay

This is what I know of love

This is what I've been shown of love

And if this is not love, then I have never felt love a fucking day in my life