"CAUSE IT WOULD TAKE AN ACROBAT, BUT I ALREADY TRIED ALL THAT. I'M GONNA LET HIM FLY." -DIXIE CHICKS

"I'm never going to be here again."

I said this to myself while standing in the foyer of the Meyerson Symphony Center in Dallas. I was with my family that night and he didn't come. Some argument about how the Symphony was too "pretentious" and "snobby" and he wouldn't be apart of it. I had attended the last, god knows how many, family events alone and by now I was used to it. I was at the point where I was just going to live life with or without him. And although I wanted him to be everywhere I went, it wasn't worth the fight. 

I was raised to be cultured. My mother was originally from San Francisco, a much more progressive city than Dallas, at the time. She was huge on traveling, musicals, symphonies, plays, amusement parks, museums, concerts, and learning all about what life had to offer other than being another person stuck in one town my whole life. We were poor, but it didn't matter. My mom spent her money on showing me the incredible things that this world had to offer. I remember when I was in high school, her telling me that I wasn't allowed to go to college in Texas. That I had to branch out and go somewhere new. She planted a seed deep in my soul that I should never settle and should always be open minded to new adventures. 

When I married my most recent ex-husband, he had not seen the beach, let alone anything else. I was so excited to take him places and show him things. I had seen so much in my lifetime. I had lived so many places, experienced so many different cultures and ways of life. I had been to Canada and Mexico, the Caribbean, and nearly every major city in the US and I wanted him to see it all and more. But this night, almost one year ago, to the day, I knew that if I stayed, that that would not be my life. I had to make a choice because choosing to stay would be accepting this fact. And I couldn't. 

There were so many times that I would buy us concert tickets for his birthday or Christmas and he would make me sell them. He had zero interest in doing anything that cost any money and it really put me in a hard depression. My life had always been go, go, go. I've moved around and traveled. Loved concerts and road trips. The beach and horseback riding. I took him on so many adventures during our time together. We went to the Bahamas, skydiving, camping, traveled to seven different countries in Europe and still my efforts to spark something in him were unattainable. 

I am aware that you cannot change people, but you don't always know everything about someone until enough time passes. To me, the scariest thing about getting married is that you really don't know who you're marrying. You just don't. I was with him for 7 years and it wasn't until after about 6 that I realized we had NOTHING in common. We didn't want the same life. AT ALL. How crazy is that? That you can truly not know someone after 6 years. 

I think we are all guilty of it. Trying so hard to make the other person happy. But the truth will always come out. You can play a role for a long time before you become too exhausted to continue the charade. That's why I don't blame him, completely. I get it. Something sounds great. You meet someone who you know would make a good parent, would be a great partner, would never give up on you and so you try and try and try to be something that you're not. 

Then there's also the aspect of just plain growing up. Sometimes something sounds great to you at the age of 23, which is how old he was when I met him. But by 30, your life views and values are different. I can't blame him for this either. But, how terrifying is it to commit yourself to someone. Merge bank accounts, buy a house, maybe even have children. To wake up one day and realize that it's not at all what you want. Honestly, this is why I'll never get married again. It's too messy. It's too hard to know exactly what you're getting into. I'm all about long-term, monogamous relationships. But, will I ever walk down an aisle again? Probably not. I've heard so many stories. "Yeah, Bill and Shannon were together for 15 years, then they got married and were divorced in 6 months. Now they don't speak...." WHAT? That's a real story by the way. TERRIFYING. 

I gave his way of life an honest try. I stayed home every night and watched a lot of TV. I would clean house and cook dinner and I really, really tried. I couldn't do it. Each day felt like I was drowning. I gained 60 pounds. I was depressed and the only thing I was really allowed to do was stay home and eat. So I ate. It was the only thing that brought me joy. Which is awful. We just could not see eye to eye on almost anything. I wanted so badly to hold our marriage together. I did anything and everything I could. I changed who I was for a long time in an attempt to try to be happy or make him happy. But nothing ever worked. 

By the time I felt like I had tried everything, without any success, I realized that nothing was going to make him happy, ever. And I was just going to be miserable if I didn't get away. I was too young, too beautiful, too full of life and love and drive to sit around and do nothing. It wasn't until I left that I realized that it wasn't that he didn't want to travel or spend money, he just didn't want to do it with me. Not but a few months later, he was on a week cruise with all of his friends. I don't know what I could have done differently. I don't know how I could have changed the outcome. But, his lack of interest in keeping our marriage together was very obvious when I asked for a divorce and his response was literally, "okay." 

The night before the symphony, I was excited to go. I was talking to him about my excitement while he told me that it was really "snobby" of me to go to the symphony. I couldn't have disagreed more. Then when I said to him, "well, I'm just excited to take our kids to do things like this someday..." His response was, "we aren't taking our kids to do shit like that..." It was the most hurt my heart had ever felt in that relationship. I knew in that moment that my unborn children were never going to have the life I experienced. I knew that my kids would be 23 years old and will have never seen the beach. I wanted more for them but mostly, I wanted more for myself. 

As I watched the Dallas Symphony play that night, one year ago, I remember crying. The performance filled my soul again with all the things my mom had taught me. I knew that my marriage was over. I remember feeling nothing. I had used up all my emotions in that marriage. I was done trying. I was done crying. I was done turning myself inside out for someone who couldn't be happy, no matter what I did or said. I'm sure that I wasn't perfect, no one is, but I was a damn good wife and I can hang my hat on that. I felt nothing because I knew there was nothing more to be done. I could walk away and know, with every ounce of my heart, that I had tried everything I could to make that marriage work. Nothing was going to change by my hand or anyone else's. It was over. 

The next morning I told him that I wanted a divorce and his typical response and lack of emotion didn't shock me. We split up everything and five days later I was gone. Not once have I regretted leaving. Not once have I wondered if I could have done more. Looking back now, there were so many red flags. If I hadn't been so naive and obsessed with love, and if I'm being perfectly honest, I should have ended things with him six months into our relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 but I can't regret any of it. I have never been more clear about who I am and what I need and want out of this life. My future is bright and big and had I continued to lie to myself, I would still be sitting on that couch, eating. I'm better than that. I want and deserve more than that. That marriage showed me everything that I needed to know about myself. And I will never regret staying for as long as I did. 

This past year has been one the most challenging years of my life. I have had a lot of decisions to make. This year was my year to really decide what I wanted to do. Was I going to lose a bunch of weight and jump back into another relationship? Or was I going to take charge of my life and stop hiding behind fake happiness? Force myself to feel what I was feeling. Allow myself to feel sad and lonely. Work through issues that I have never worked through. Release myself from toxic relationships. Let me tell you, losing a bunch of weight and jumping into a new relationship would have been a lot easier. But way less fulfilling. 

Sometimes we just have to stop. Stop making excuses and feeling bad for ourselves. Stop expecting new results while doing the same thing over and over and over again. Stop expecting that life is just going to happen and things will work out. You have to MAKE shit work out. If you're unhappy, you have to MAKE yourself happy. It's not easy, I promise. But, fuck, it's so worth it. I've learned a lot over this past year but one of the most important lessons I've learned is that sometimes you just have to let people fly. But mostly, you have to let yourself fly.