"GRAVITY IS WORKING AGAINST ME AND GRAVITY WANTS TO BRING ME DOWN." -JOHN MAYER

This past August, I was supposed to move to Spain. I chose to put this adventure off until the following year for a lot of reasons. One, I felt that if I was going to do it, I needed a good savings account so that I could do it right. If I was going to live in Europe, I was going to see Europe.. all of it. Another reason I decided to stay is because I have a tendency to run. I've always been a runner from everything that hurts. While I would say that I'm fairly good at confronting issues, it has always been my first instinct to not.

I applied to teach English in Spain back in February, only one month after my divorce was finalized and only 4 months after I left my husband. I was looking for a way to escape from everything that I was feeling. But as the day got closer, I decided that the smart, mature thing to do was stay and deal with it all. And I have done more soul searching and self-reflection than I've ever done in my life. It was one of the best gifts that I've given to myself. But, I'm not gonna lie. I feel stuck. I feel so unsure about everything and everyone. I am extremely skeptical about my future.

I think it's so easy to say you feel stable. To feel ready for the next relationship or the next adventure. But, when I'm honest with myself, I just really don't know that I am. I think I am still very much broken. I have goals and dreams but they seem extremely out of reach. I know I'm passionate about making them happen. I know that I still want to go to Spain. But, in this exact moment, I have no idea what to do or how to do it.

The only thing I do know for sure, is that I stayed here this year for a reason. It is finding the motivation to make those reasons productive that I am really struggling with. Saying and doing are two different things and while I can say all day that I want and need to start hiking to prep for my PCT hike. Or that I need to lose this weight. Or that I need to get a good job and save for Spain. The doing all of that has become a huge struggle for me.

I do not think of myself as a lazy person. I've been working since I was 12. I've always chosen to work. I did military service. I went to college for 7 years and got my masters degree. I think it's not a secret that hard work does not scare me. But why I can't find the motivation right now, is beyond me. No amount of self-reflection and soul searching has helped me to figure this one out. I could blame it on the relationship that I am now in. But, I have felt this way long before I met him.

The waiting to have surgery was a good excuse for a while. Starting a new relationship with someone that could cause me to question leaving next August, if it got that serious, could be a good excuse. But, it's nothing and no one's fault but my own. I am notorious for self-sabotage. What can I do to fuck this up for myself? How can I break my heart this time? What's the best way to throw a wrench in all of my plans?

I am currently feeling the urge to run again. From everything and everyone. How did I get here? How did I go from having a career and a life to having nothing? Where did all my motivation go? How do I get it back? What is it that's blocking all my thoughts and keeping me from getting moving? This just isn't like me. I am started to feel depressed again because I just feel like I'm moving in slow motion. My life feels over right now. And everything I want seems unreachable.

I have been handed a golden ticket. My best friend has given me a place to stay without rent in order to make all of these things I want happen and I'm just ruining it. I just sit and look at the calendar pass by. Day by day, getting closer and closer to Spain and I have nothing to show for the time that has passed by.

I hate when people say, "you just have to do it." That drives me insane, because DUH. Obviously. But, it's really not that easy sometimes. And in this moment, I am finding it nearly impossible to do anything productive. I have zero motivation to get up and make things happen for myself. I wish I knew what I needed right now. I wish I knew how to change this. The only thing I could think of was to write about it. Writing and processing through these feelings are the only way I know how to get my brain working. I'm just hoping that it helps.

I am regretting staying this year. I wish I had just left.

But still, with a clear mind, staying was the best thing I could have done.

This is the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty. I need to sit in this moment.

But god, it hurts.