"I'D RATHER BE A HAMMER THAN A NAIL. YES I WOULD, IF I ONLY COULD, I SURELY WOULD." -SIMON&GARFUNKEL

I believe that we are allowed to change our minds. When I say one thing and then change my mind, it bothers me when people don't accept that. Why? I'm not allowed to change my mind? I'm not allowed to decide to go another path? I'm not allowed to break up with someone I thought I liked or even loved? I'm not allowed to return something I decided I didn't like or was too expensive? I think that we are judged so harshly for changing our minds. And I think that's why we don't. I think that's why we stay in unhappy friendships and marriages. I think that's why we rip the tags off and throw them away, before we can return it, when we feel buyers remorse. We are afraid to admit we were wrong, that we've changed our minds, and our paths. Society gives you one path, the "right" path. And well, I chose to take whatever is opposite of that.

I hear it all the time, "life is short.." I can't tell you how much this bothers me. Sure, life is short if you die young. And while I am fully aware that people do die young, most people don't. And we use that phrase in the strangest times. An 87 year old man says goodbye to his dying wife of 60 years and we say, "life is so short." What? No! Life is FUCKING LONG. So I refuse to live another day where I'm not allowed to change my mind. I refuse to live another day where it is not the happiest day of my life. That could be as simple as laying in bed all day. Getting a tattoo. Eating something I love. Or talking on the phone with a friend. To traveling the entire world or falling in love again. Whatever it is, it's going to make me happy.

I am the queen of settling. I see the good in everything and everyone and I try so hard to bring it out in everyone I meet. But, the truth is, I'm done. I am done training people to be good people. I am done training men to be good men. I never used to trust timing, but it is EVERYTHING. Timing is meeting someone and it either being the RIGHT time or the WRONG time. And we are constantly choosing to overlook this very important moment. Here's something I know to be true. If you meet someone at the wrong time and you try to force it, it will back fire. It will NOT work. No matter how hard you try. Because timing isn't a physical time. It's not that you met them at 3pm and you should have met them at 4. It's an emotional time. When you are not both on the same emotional wave length. When you're not ready for the same things. When you're not in the same head space. That is lack of timing. Listen to it. It is everything.

Hindsight is 20/20 and man is it a bitch. A lot of time could have been saved if I had just recognized bad timing. But I would definitely not be here, right now, writing this blog, had I always been an expert on timing. I never was and I promise you, I never will be. I am still human. I follow my heart more than my head and I fall in love with love very hard and very quickly. Throughout this entire journey that I've been on, the only thing I haven't been able to escape is my love for love. But what I've learned is that no matter what I do, say, or how I act, no one will ever be the one for me if timing is not right. But also, it can't be forced. I can't go around LOOKING for someone in my timezone. The scariest thing about looking, actually seeking out love, is that when we do that we are usually too forgiving. We make excuses for things we would never actually be okay with in our partner. When we try to rush a relationship or force something to happen, we end up giving in to a lot of things that we wouldn't normally give in to.

Full disclosure: I haven't had sex in almost 7 weeks.

In this blog, I have been very forward about how often I tend to replace loneliness with sex. But, if you follow along, you will have also read that my New Year's resolution this year (which I never do nor follow through with usually) was to respect myself. I chose this resolution because it covers everything. What I feed myself, how I sleep, how I talk to myself, who I choose to have relationships with, both romantically and platonically. And I have to say, I think not having any sex has actually given me super powers. My head has never been more clear, focused, honest. I have made this pact with myself by choice and every day, I choose to follow through. Have I had weak moments? Sure. Have I almost messed up? Of course. I am HUMAN. But, it's true what they say.. when something is important to you, you just do it.

I have been having a lot of talks with myself lately. I have changed my mind about a lot of things. I am becoming more open to things that I have been shutting out for a long time. If you asked me if I will ever get married again, my answer is no longer "no", it's maybe. If you ask me if I will ever have children, my answer is no longer "no", it's possibly. Does that mean I am going to rush to find someone to marry me and have children? Hell no. Does that mean that I will ever do these things. Absolutely not. But, I am definitely open and that's all we can be. Open to new experiences. New possibilities. New happiness. New feelings. Maybe for something or someone we never thought possible. I don't have anyone in mind... (I mean, if Ryan Gosling wanted to run away with me, I wouldn't say no) but I am no longer searching. I am no longer trying to put myself in the right place at the right time. I am no longer settling. I believe that if you just do what you love, fully, honestly, and with your entire heart, you will find someone, something, somewhere.

Life is too long to spend it with someone you are just okay with. Life is way too fucking long to change how you act, live, speak, behave, love, express, endure, and treasure. What I've learned is that I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, in this head space, in these feelings, with this love for myself and my life than with someone who doesn't love me the way I need to be loved. Who doesn't value me. Who doesn't desire me. Who doesn't want me to have and see the world and to hold it in my hands. Who doesn't want me to accomplish all of my goals and follow all of my dreams. I will never take away someone's desires or dreams. I will always support others, no matter the sacrifice, and I expect the same. The funny thing is, if the person you're with is the right person, none of those things will seem hard or frustrating or crazy. It will seem easy, simple, lovely.

So, yes. I'm allowed to change my mind. And yes. I'm allowed to not settle. And yes. I'm allowed to stay single forever, if I so choose. And yes. I am allowed to be happy every single day without feeling guilty about that. When I first started this path, I wrote a blog about how I quit doing ANYTHING that made me unhappy. I'm sure a lot of the comments people made were something like, "sometimes as adults we have to do things we don't want to do or don't make us happy." And my response is WHY? Why do ANYTHING if it doesn't make you happy. Everything we do in life, from paying rent to take that job to buying that car to having that child is a CHOICE. We are so often told that we don't have a choice and that we expected to do this and that. Well, that will not be me. And I hope you follow my example. Because, no. I don't do anything I don't like to do. And no, I don't do anything that makes me unhappy. I pay my rent because I'm happy with where I live. I go to work because I'm happy in my job. I see my friends because I'm happy with those relationships. And I stay single because I'm happy being single. I will never do anything again that makes me unhappy. Ever. Because life is too damn long.