"I DON'T CARE IF THEY CALL ME CRAZY, WE CAN LIVE IN A WORLD THAT WE DESIGN.." -THE GREATEST SHOWMAN

It's a strange feeling being 33 years old and realizing you don't know yourself at all. To realize that everything you are is because someone told you that was the best way to be. And it's scary to wipe your slate clean and start all over from the very bottom. When the rest of your friends are married with children and planning their retirement and you're just trying to figure out what you're in the mood to eat tomorrow. That can be a really overwhelming feeling and you might want to feel like a failure or like you're not good enough or worthy enough. You might feel too behind to ever catch up and like you should just give in and do whatever it takes to get back on top as quickly as possible, even if it makes you unhappy. And I would tell you that that's a mistake.

I am fully aware that I may be well into my forties before I find true love. I may work into my 70's before I can retire. I may never have children of my own. I may never have children at all. I might move around 50 more times before I settle into a place that feels like home. I might live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I may bartend on a beach or work retail for extra money. I may live a life that no one finds appealing. But, I will feel the way everyone dreams of feeling. Everything I do will be on my own terms. I will write until my heart explodes. I will feel everything and be present in every moment. I will laugh, smile, and cry all with the same intensity. I will only be surrounded by people who respect me. I will love someone and be able to give someone all of who I am really am and not just who I am trying to be. I will wake up every day knowing that my life has been created completely on my own terms and no one else's. I will be happy.

Our society puts so much emphasis on time. And I've given a lot of thought about time. How much time I have left on this earth. How much time I have left to do things like travel around the world aimlessly before I might feel too old and/or tired to do it anymore. But, what I don't worry about anymore is if the timing is right for you. I am a 33 (34 on Sunday) year old, single woman with no children. I rent a bedroom at a friend's house and drive a 20 year old car. I have no plans for my future, other than moving to Spain in 6 months. And I'm not bothered by any of that. But there are too many people who would be. They could say (they have said, actually) that I'm crazy, unwell, mentally ill, or sick. They could say I am lost or depressed or in denial. They would ask me about my biological clock and if I plan to freeze my eggs. But you wouldn't say any of that about a 22 year old, single woman with no children. And my question is, why do we put so much emphasis on age?

I'm not in denial that I will one day not be physically able to have children. I am fully aware that as I age, I may become less and less attractive to certain men. I have acknowledged that my life may not be for everyone. But, I am done rushing my life, surrounding myself with fake happiness, and feeling unsatisfied with my life in order to make people I don't know more comfortable. I say people I don't know because I don't associate with people who don't accept me for choosing to live my life this way. Here's what I think. Everything we do in life is a choice. Everything. There is nothing that you must do before you die. Nothing. So, if I choose to live my life in whatever way that is and it makes me happy. How is that wrong?

I am hell-bent on wiping out this stigma on everyone, but mostly women. And if I'm being honest. If I wasn't raised thinking that I NEEDED to be something or HAD to accomplish this and/or that and I was raised to be a free-thinker and open-minded about my life's path, I would probably NOT be a 33, almost 34 year old, single female with no children. The harm was done YEARS ago. And not intentionally, of course. I believe all parents want to see their children succeed. But what is success really? And are we putting too much emphasis on success being money, power, and possessions? And what would happen if we just let our kids have the autonomy they needed to find their way in this world? What would happen if we just let them be. Supporting them the whole way and catching them when they fall.. but ACTUALLY letting. them. fall. What would be different?

I used to say that if I ever had children and they drew on the wall in my house, I would clear off that wall so they could use it explore their artistic side. And I think that could be used as an analogy for so many other things. Why, when we are children, are we screamed at for getting mud on the floor after we just spent the afternoon jumping in rain puddles and playing pretend with our friends? Why do we get grounded for doing things to come so naturally to us, like playing our drums too loudly or drawing on the walls? Why do we not see these things as creativity bursting out of us rather than a child acting out? I know what some of you are thinking. "But we have to teach our children boundaries and discipline." And my answer to you is, of course you do. But why do we have to teach them those things by stifling their dreams and making them feel dumb for their creativity. There are so many other ways to teach discipline and boundaries. I think it all starts with the things we are told when we are younger. Silly things that we would NEVER think would hurt us.

Once, when I was standing in the kitchen, around age 16, my mom asked me where I thought I was going to get fat some day. Then she started guessing. "I bet it's gonna be your ass and hips.." I was 5'10", 130 lbs., and 6% body fat. I was an athlete. I didn't need to think or worry about that. But that comment set the stage for how I would feel about my body for the rest of my life. When I would talk about things I wanted to be when I grew up, it had to be something that made a lot of money or my mom would go, "mmm... there's no real future in that." I couldn't just be a background singer, I had to be the lead singer. I was given these ceilings that were so high and I spent my entire life feeling like a failure because I never had a job that met those expectations. But here's what I know. If I said this to my mom, her response would be, "I never said that, all I ever wanted was for you to do something that made you happy." And I believe that she believed that. But, it's not the case. The things we say to our children set the tone for how they feel about themselves forever. INCLUDING how we feel about time.

I grew up saying that I had to get married by 24 and have kids by 26. And we act like it's super cute when kids say this, but it's not, it's disturbing! I hope big dreams for everyone and I hope everyone goes for whatever they want in life. But why when we say that, i.e. big dreams, do we immediately think doctor, lawyer, famous musician? There is nothing wrong with any of those professions. But the emphasis that we put on those professions make other people, who may not be interested in those fields or who lack the skills needed for those jobs, feel less adequate. I once heard a story about a boy whose father taught him how to mow the lawn. And he loved it. While he was in high school, that's how he made money. It was cute at that age. But when he got older, more was expected out of him. He was expected to find "a real job." That man now makes six figures owning his own landscaping company.

Why do we not see the thrill, the skill, and the talent it takes to do something like that? Why do we not see that almost every profession, every job is needed in order to sustain the world. You bring your dress shirts to the dry cleaners because you need a service done on your clothes. And you bring them there because you lack the skills to do it yourself. And you pay a lot of money every week to have this done. But do you give two thoughts about the person doing the service? And how because you lack the knowledge to do something and someone else has that knowledge, ta-da! You now have perfect shirts because someone was able to provide that service to you. It does not make them any less of a human, any less of a citizen, any less deserving of respect because they do a job that may not be considered flashy or "successful." And with all of that being said, what is success really?

Google defines success as, "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." I don't see any definitions that claim that success is "becoming a doctor" or "becoming rich." We have created these definitions ourselves and have made it nearly impossible for people to feel happy and content with their lives unless they feel this fake definition of accomplishment. I want to clarify that if you are a doctor, lawyer, or have any other high profile job, I am not saying that that is wrong or that you're not happy or successful. If you happen to make a lot of money or happen to be in a high profile position and you are happy and love your job, then amazing! There is NOTHING wrong with those professions and nothing wrong with feeling happy and guiltless for loving your job and making a lot of money. You SHOULD feel proud. And I don't use the word should very often. I'm simply saying that the emphasis that we put on "success" and "accomplishment" in this society is too high and out of reach for every single person to be able to feel successful if we continue down this path. We have a saying in the military that goes, "too many chiefs!" And that simply means that we can't all be chiefs and we shouldn't all be chiefs. That too many chiefs actually causes conflict. If you have a boat with 5 chiefs on it and no other crew, that boat is not going to move. Because the chiefs job is not to steer the boat or navigate the waters. It's to supervise. Without other crew members, the mission would not be successful. There needs to be someone in this world to do every job and we need to acknowledge that what someone does for a living and how much they make does not make them any less successful than anyone else. And the time one takes to find that success, how long that may be, is okay.

One of the hardest and easiest things I've ever done is learn to accept my life for what it is and where it is. To accept MYSELF for who I am. And to be perfectly content and happy with all of it. I say hardest because it is really hard to strip yourself from everything you've ever known. All the "support" you've had throughout your life and completely start over. Relearn everything about the world, about yourself, about the people around you, about who you want to be, and what your actual goals and dreams are, not just the goals and dreams that others expect from you. But, it's the easiest because once you do it, you realize it's actually way less scary being totally yourself than it is trying to be someone else. I have no anxiety or fears about where my life is going. I trust my path fully, because I am only doing the things that feel right or make me happy in every moment of every day.

No matter how my life turns out, I know that I can be nothing but happy if I am only ever happy doing everything I do. There will be bumps along the way. But I've been bumped and bruised 1000 times over and I've survived. The hard part of my life is over. And that's a choice that I've made. To stop beating myself in the ground to make others happy. To seem like I have it all figured out. To feel like I have enough success to be accepted. Does choosing to have a happy life mean I'll never struggle with money? That I won't lose people I love? Or have heartache or sadness? No. I know I will. But those things are inevitable even with all this "success" that you speak of. So, I chose happiness and serenity and contentment over working too hard to be something or someone I'm not. My efforts will be placed into only the things that bring my soul peace and my heart happiness. And if I don't fall in love until I'm 50 or retire until I'm 75. Just know that I'm the happiest old bitch, alive.