"I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING, BUT I'VE GOT TO GO." -CHRIS STAPLETON

I said something in one of my recent posts that really bothered me. Sometimes I say things that I'm sure I feel and then it aches in me until I figure out that that's not at all how I actually feel. Essentially, I said that I wasn't sure if I would go to Spain next August because we tend to not need to run away once we feel like we are healed. I hate that I said that and I hate having to write it again. I don't feel that way at all. I mean, I agree that we tend to not run away when we are happy. But, Spain is not running away for me. Was I using it as a way to get away and run away at one point? Sure. I stand by that statement. But, let me be clear in saying that in 11 months, when I get on that airplane, I will be going to Spain a new woman. Full of hope and excitement for my newest adventure. And I am so, so, so lucky that I will be going to Spain whole and healed.

When I chose to defer my Spain trip until next year, I did so with an honest mind knowing that there was so much more to do here before I left. Going to Spain with no money, no happiness, and no clue about who I am and where I'm going in life.. well that just seems like a waste. I am glad that before I left, I was able to accept that it would be in my best interest to stay and find my peace here. I have always been a runner. I decided to stop that trend the moment I decided to stop being impulsive. Stopping and thinking and making decisions with caution and a clear head is when I really started to live my life. It's when I decided to stop speaking to my family, defer Spain, sell all of my unnecessary possessions, give my dog to a good home, live in a way that allowed me to feel happiness again. And I do. I really, really do.

In 11 months I will be stepping on a plane and going to live across the world. And there is nothing in me that feels like this is a bad idea. I have stopped planning my future but I will never stop planning my travels. Traveling gives me purpose. When I travel, it's like the first breath someone takes after being given CPR. It's like when I can't breathe, travel puts everything back in its place. It's the only way I can explain it to you. And I am jumping out of my skin excited to travel the whole entire world and not stop until I've seen everything.

So, I was sitting here one day trying to come up with a witty, clever, or funny profile for my Instagram.

(which is, @nellyyrrose, if anyone wants to follow me...)

I thought about some of my favorite quotes...

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." - Sigmund Freud

I thought about some of my favorite lyrics...

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyze by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still tryin' to find it.." - Taylor Swift, "All Too Well"

I thought about some of my favorite poetry...

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings; and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings." - Lewis Carroll, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"

But I have this tendency to hide behind others words and as someone who has never known who she really is, ever... it's hard to come up with something of my own to describe myself. I started to write down all the things that I felt would describe me. I came up with three. I suppose I will add to it the more I learn about myself. But I haven't been "me" ever that I can remember, until now. So I'm just learning, too.

Writer. World Traveler. Tattoo Enthusiast.

That's all that I can think of to describe myself. But, they are as true as anything else I know. Writing is a part of me. I hope to be a writer someday. I hope to write as a career. Carrying my work around the world and writing about all the things I learn. Which brings me to world traveler. I can't think of a better way to describe myself. I would live in a tent if it meant that I could travel the world for the rest of my life. I don't need a lot of money or a companion. Just me and the sea. But a funny thing about me is that I am obsessed with tattoos. Until I got sick, I was getting one about once a month. I am currently working on my sleeve. So, there you have it. Writer, world traveler, and a tattoo enthusiast. While I'm sure there are many other things that could describe who I am. I choose to figure them all out on my own and in my own time.

My own time. That's a phrase I feel I've used a few times throughout this blog. One thing that I have decided over the last year of my life is that I will stop allowing "time" to rule my life. Everything is always about time. My biological clock and all the other things that society makes us feel like we have to do. In a recent blog I talked about time and how we are so forced to feel like we must accomplish all these things that others deem necessary for a happy life. But, when I look around, I see more sadness in the world than happiness. I plan to live the rest of my life on my own time clock. So, I plan to travel the world until I've seen it all or I die. Whichever comes first.

And that, my friends, starts with moving to Spain.