"I KNOW THAT I DESERVE YOUR LOVE, CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I'M NOT WORTHY OF." -KESHA

Forgiveness.

When I think about this word, I think about all the people I've forgiven in my life. And how after forgiving each of them, usually without an apology first, I was able to move on with my life. And I was able to know that I was always the bigger person and that I never stooped down to the level of people who hurt me but never really apologized. People who only look out for themselves. Selfish. And it makes me wonder how I became like this. And if I'm actually the one who is wrong.

When I think about each person I've forgiven in my life -- my biological father, my mother, Steve, ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, old friends -- I can't help but wonder if with each moment of acceptance and forgiveness, I've actually hurt myself more. Have I allowed all that pain to just subconsciously sit inside of me? Have I ever really worked it out or made myself whole again? Or have I just allowed each person to settle on my soul and continue to hurt me quietly. While they go on living with the forgiveness I gave them, feeling free and unencumbered.

I have moments where I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. But, if I'm honest, I have more moments where I feel completely lost. I'm looking for something, but I don't know what. I'm looking for someone, but I don't know who. And I walk around lying to myself and to everyone else that I have it all figured out. That I have a direction. Sure, I have dreams and goals. But, I've never felt further from them in my life.

The only person I haven't ever forgiven is myself. For two failed marriages. For gaining all this weight. For having so much meaningless sex. For falling in love with people who have no intention of loving me back. For giving so much of myself to people, without expecting anything else in return. Leaving me empty and hallow. For dropping out of high school. For being so impatient and unkind. For trying to be someone I'm not. For leaving my mom in New York.

There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and I feel like I deserve to feel ugly. It keeps me from having to face a lot of my issues. Staying under the radar. Flying low. Staying fat and feeling ugly keeps me from having to become what I know I can become. It's like I feel I don't deserve happiness. I dream of it, I seek it out, I hope for it.. but, I have built so many walls to keep myself hidden. My weight is like a cloak I wear in order to hide from the me that has given so much forgiveness, yet has given none to myself.

I can tell that I don't feel worthy by the decisions I make. Not big decisions, but rather the small ones. When I choose junk food over healthy food. When I choose to spend money over saving. When I choose meaningless sex over loneliness. When I choose to jump into a relationship with someone who has zero respect for me or my wants and needs. I believe that quote is true: that you teach people how you should be treated. And from what I have seen over the last year, I have taught people that I am not worthy.

Maybe it isn't other people's fault for the way they have treated me. Maybe cutting them out of my life was impulsive. Maybe if I had more respect for myself, they would have had more respect for me. Is it right for people to treat you poorly? No. But, who is to blame when they treat you poorly because you treat yourself poorly? And how do you reverse this trend? How do I learn to forgive myself like I have forgiven others? Where does that start? When does that start?

There's a part of me that knows what I want. But, I can't help but wonder if this life in isolation, quickly releasing people from my life as soon as they cross me, moving to another country, hiking the PCT alone, living in a van... all these dreams I have... are they just running away? Am I just building walls, rather than breaking them down? Am I forcing others out of my life because I can't face them highlighting my life? Because I don't want to talk about my future, because I don't know what that looks like or what that means. I don't want to talk about falling in love, because I'm not sure I even know what that is.

I have been avoiding my life for a long time, I think. And I know that I am capable of finding something wonderful. Finding someone wonderful. Finding a life that works for me. And I know that these things I want to do are trial and error efforts that will help me to get there. I know I'm worthy of happiness, even though I don't know what that feels like. I know I'm worthy of love, although I don't know what that looks like. And I'm capable of finding peace within me and allowing myself freedom from these chains that I willingly put on.

Maybe what isolating myself has done is made me realize that it is actually no one else that has kept me from getting to where I want to be. It is actually, completely me. If it was them, then wouldn't everything have changed by now? I think I was looking for some answer that would come to me one night that said, "Yes, it was your mother's hateful words that caused you to be fat and now that you've removed her from your life, you can lose all that weight, congratulations!" While I am a strong believer that people's words can have a subconscious effect on us. I am realizing that it is only us that can allow those words to define us. And I have allowed that to happen to me.

I still don't feel strong enough to be around people such as my mother. And the reason I isolated myself to begin with was because I knew that about myself. I knew that if I continued to allow myself to be around people who brought me down (or who I let bring me down) then I would never get to where I wanted to be. But I haven't done that. I haven't worked to better myself and to feel like I would be able to move forward. I have just allowed myself to blame those people and these feelings and I have just stayed in that moment, feeling sorry for myself.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life not speaking to my family. They are who they are, and they aren't going to change. And I can't expect them to change. It's actually me who needs to change. I need to become a person who is confident in myself and able to be around people without allowing them to bring me down. And that's something I actually need to start working on, rather than just continuing to blame everyone else. I can choose to be alone for the rest of my life, or I can learn to love myself and be an example. Teach people to treat me the way I treat myself. With respect.

I used to have a counselor that would make me so mad that I fired her. Each time I would talk about my family, I would say, "they make me so angry" or "they make me so sad." And each time, she would correct me and say, "they don't make you feel any way, you make yourself feel that way. You allow yourself to feel angry or sad. Stop giving them so much power. " That made me furious. Because of course it was THEM. And it is, kind of. Hateful people are hard to be around but they don't cause us to feel badly about ourselves, we give them the power to do that to us. And it all makes sense now. I wish I knew her name, I'd send her something... lol.

So maybe it begins here? Acceptance that no one has the power to keep me overweight, to keep me sad or angry. That it's actually completely up to me to feel happy and worthy. Is it really that easy? Is this where I begin to forgive myself? Where I release all this negative energy that's inside me, that no one has kept there but me. Is it really time to move on from all of these excuses and blaming of other people?

To answer the first question of this blog post. To answer, well, my own question. No, I am not wrong for forgiving others. I am not wrong to release that negative energy from my life and to be the bigger person, always moving forward and never looking back. Never holding grudges and never looking to revenge as an answer. How I became such a forgiving person, I don't know. The apple fell far from the tree. But, I am wrong to not forgive myself. To not let go of all this anger I feel that I have blamed on others for so long.

While I sit here alone, as I have many, many, many nights over the last year.. it is clear that I am the only one capable of changing. There will be no epiphany. There won't be some answer that comes to me in my sleep. Or a person that miraculously comes into my life to save me. There is no special diet that will help me lose weight. There is no self-help book that is going to help me forgive myself. It's already in me. I just have to stop making excuses and blaming others. It is myself that holds me back from my own potential. And that reality is a real fucking bitch.

"My life, like all lives -- mysterious, irrevocable, and sacred -- so very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. And how wild it was to let it be." -Cheryl Strayed