"I'M MAKIN' MOVES, YOU GOTTA MOVE." -BIG SEAN

Happy National Boyfriend Day!

Ew.

Listen, I am a lover of love. I want it. I crave it. I need it. But, lately, I have zero interest in dating. At all. It's been quite odd actually. So, odd, indeed, that I questioned my sexuality for a while. Have all of my failed relationships with men caused me to like women?? Nope. Not that either. I'm just SO not in the mood. Like ever. I had a really cute guy come into the bar I'm working at. Immediately my heart was like NOPE. DON'T. STOP. WALK AWAY. EW. I find myself actually nauseated by the thought of dating.

For the past couple months, no matter how "cute" I have found someone, as soon as I even CONSIDER dating them, I get an awful feeling in my stomach and it becomes a HARD no. This is not something that I decided to do. This is not me just being a boss ass bitch and declaring that "this is the year of me!" No. I wish. It's an honest and natural reaction to any man who even remotely seems interested in me. I don't make eye contact with people. I don't engage in conversation, unless I have to. And somehow, it's completely out of my control. Just ew.

My whole life I have been in love with love. Obsessed even. Countless boyfriends and bad relationships and marriages and I am so over living my life for other people. I have literally been doing it my entire life. From relationships to friendships to family, my whole life has been about pleasing others, impressing others, draining myself and putting my wants and needs on the back-burner to everyone else. Everything I've said and done up until recently has been in an attempt to make others happy. This, of course, never worked... Which is why I finally said FUCK IT.

So, yeah, boyfriends... no thanks. I am so focused on me right now it's scary. I've never had so much free space in my mind to just think about me, talk about me, worry about me. It's been great! I will admit to being lonely sometimes though. But I don't stress about it because loneliness is not only a totally normal feeling but also, when have I ever allowed myself to be lonely? The answer is never.

When I was counseling, I used to tell my kids to sit in their feelings and allow themselves to feel what they were feeling. To allow themselves to feel anxious or angry or sad. I worked with kids at a drug and alcohol rehab that were between the ages of 13 and 18 and who were chemically dependent. All their lives, they had been searching for a way to not feel what they were feeling, so they used drugs. It was my goal to get these kids to sit in whatever emotion they were feeling at that moment and learn how to talk themselves through the feeling, rather than using something to cover it up.

Lately, I've realized that I SUCK AT THIS. Well, at least when it comes to loneliness. As I've said before, even with all the work on myself that I've done, the one thing I continue to struggle with is being more than okay with giving away my heart to anyone, no matter the cost. As soon as I'm lonely, BAM, relationship. I can't do that anymore. Loneliness is a beast that sits on my shoulder just waiting for me to cave. Waiting for me give in to my addiction. Hi, my name is Nelly and I'm addicted to love.

But I'm really trying to do things differently this time. Each time my heart tells me no, I never regret it or judge myself for it. I always look at what my future looks like and feel nothing but excitement for what's to come. Just a year ago, I would have done anything to jump into another relationship and run away from lonely feelings. But today, I have no interest in getting side tracked. This may be the last time I have to be alone. The last time I have to travel, see the whole world, live in Spain, move to Thailand, hike the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT), build my tiny house, and whatever other crazy shit I decide to do. This is my moment.

There have been lots of moments in the past. Oh, man, can I think of a hundred times I could have done this. But, honestly, I wouldn't change one thing about my life. I know people say that all the times, but I really, really mean it. I feel lucky to be where I am right now. Although, it gets hard sometimes just sitting around waiting. Sometimes I find myself saying things like, "in a year, my life can start!" But, really, life is happening right now, in this very moment. So, even though I'm not drinking beer at Oktoberfest in Munich, laying on the beach in Croatia, or dog sledding in Finland, I am still living. It gets hard sometimes to accept moments of our lives that seem less exciting than others. But, I am not going to waste it. I'm gonna start now.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish before I leave for Europe next year. I have mapped out a recovery work-out plan from the day I am cleared from surgery. Then that falls into the start of my PCT training. Which I'll be doing southbound starting June 2020. It's not only my mental state that has changed. The way I think about the world, the way I live my life, how I feel about money and people and opportunities. But, also, my life is going to change physically. For nearly 7 years I have been sedentary. 7 years of college and working at a desk. And that is all going to DRASTICALLY change. And I'm so fucking ready.

Do I want to be in a relationship someday? Of course. But once I got my priorities straight, I realized that a relationship is so, so, so far down the list of importance to me right now. Also, it is hard to find someone who wants to live the kind of nomadic life that I want to live. And I really refuse to settle down with anyone who expects me to buy a house in the suburbs, have dinner on the table by 6pm, and have 7 children. Maybe my lack of interest in these things will change someday, but right now, if I was going to hang with anyone, it's going to be someone who wants to up and go and possibly never come back. I'll deal with the "maybe I might want to do that someday's" later. But right now, I choose to be single. I choose to travel. I choose adventure. And I choose me.

So, sorry, but, you gotta move..