"I'VE BEEN THE ARCHER, I'VE BEEN THE PREY. WHO COULD EVER LEAVE ME DARLIN', BUT WHO COULD STAY?" -TS

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and somehow, yet again, got onto a rant about what a perfect wife I was to my ex-husband and how good he had it with me. But then I got to thinking later, so why did it end then? I know what all he did wrong. But what did I do wrong? There has to be something. Sure, I spent too much money out of rebellion toward the end of our marriage. But, I felt like it may be something deeper. Possibly so deep that it would take this journey that I'm on right now to finally see the light. What responsibilities do I need to take for the problems in my marriage? I've heard it a thousand times and said it myself. Given advice about it and used it to encourage others.

You cannot love someone fully until you love yourself.

Yes, my husband and I had disagreements. He was unempathetic, unaffectionate, and shallow. He made unacceptable comments about my personality and called me names. Could I have initiated it? I hated myself. I had never healed or grieved from any of the trauma I had experienced in my life. I hated my body, my hair, my skin. I hated my weight, my scar, and my stretch marks. I hated every picture taken of me, my clothes, and my hands. There were very few things I liked about myself and I made it known. I complained constantly that I was fat, even when I was the furthest thing from fat. I complained constantly about everything. All the time. How exhausting.

I never want to excuse his behavior. He is responsible for a lot of the reasons why we ended. I wouldn't have left if he was perfect. But how much of a role did I play in the failing of our relationship? It must have been exhausting to hear your wife complain about herself. I've heard it said that men actually do not notice things like dimples and stretch marks until it is pointed out to him. My constant negative self-talk and begging him to tell me I'm not fat and then trying to get him to tell me the truth. I would actually try to force him to tell me I'm fat because I believed it so much that he had to be lying when he told me I wasn't. It wasn't until I gained 60 pounds that he really agreed with me, but I put those thoughts into his head. I forced him to see me the way I saw myself. And who could love that?

One might say that if he loved me, he would have stayed no matter what. Maybe. But if I know one thing, it's that you cannot make someone feel beautiful or safe or loved or comforted when they don't want it. I was my own worst enemy in that marriage and he was along for the ride. What a miserable existence. For both of us. I feel shame and so much uncertainty. What would it have taken to get to where I am now, then? How would it have changed things? Would it have changed his behavior? Would he have been more empathetic, affectionate, and less shallow? Could he have loved me harder if I had just loved myself? Where would we be right now?

I remember asking him to admit once that he didn't love me anymore. What a self-sabotaging behavior. I say all the time, "say something enough times and you'll start to believe it." Did I convince him he didn't love me, when he really did? This was not a phase I went through. It was the full 7 years with me. And it only got worse and worse as time went on, and I started to hate myself more and more, as I put on pound after pound. I spent the last year of our marriage blaming him for everything and then begging him to love the unloveable after years of begging him to admit he didn't love me. And I've spent the last two years blaming the entirety of our failed marriage on him.

Is loving yourself really that important? I thought it was just a clique saying with a surface meaning. Could my seven year relationship and three year marriage have been ruined because of my lack of love, self-worth, and respect for myself? How is everything I know, wrong? I remember being so confused as to why he didn't leave me. Why I had to be the one to leave. It used to make me angry and I would say, "If I had never left, he would have just stayed with me, pathetic." Maybe he didn't want to until I did. Did I single-handedly dismantle my entire relationship? And rather than give him credit for sticking with me, I blamed him and left.

I can't be angry. I'm not angry. I'm not even sad. I'm shocked and I'm relieved. I can let it go now. Let him go. Had I stayed, we would have only continued to make ourselves miserable. I would not be here. Now. And I can't regret anything that brought me to this very place of peace, self-love, and understanding. I wasn't a perfect wife. I was a terrible wife. Terrible to myself. Terrible to him.

Self-love is the center of everything. Show me more.