"I WAS GETTING KINDA USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOVED." - LEWIS CAPALDI

This entry is somewhat different than the others. Typically by the time I write about a subject, I am feeling confident in how I feel about it. I may not have solved the issue, but I am well on my way. I tend to be more upbeat with a demeanor of, "I've got this." But I don't really got this, today. With each day that I grow, I am learning so much about myself. To take you back a bit, in case you're just joining the story line, I divorced my husband about 19 months ago. It was a sad break up, although I'm pretty sure I just cried about it only two weeks ago. The reason it was such a sad break up was because he was my best friend. Even though the issues we had, which were minor in any marriage. (We basically just grew up and apart. Well, I grew up, he grew apart.) But even with all of that, we could still talk for hours. We would just sit and never run out of things to say to each other. But I felt like a bit of a show dog. Trying out all of my tricks without any praise or appreciation. I felt so ignored and unwanted and lonely in that relationship. But, I truly believed that on the day that I told him I wanted a divorce, he would fight for me. He didn't. I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. And he said, "okay." Dramatic as it may seem, it's the truth, and what stung the most was his willingness to just give up on us. Even an ounce of, "wait, let's work on this" and I would have stayed. But, the moment he said, "okay." I knew I had tried everything I had left in me. After seven years of stripping myself of everything I was, every ounce of who I was as a human, it was over. And who was I now?

Since then, I have gone through tremendous strides of change. Huge, life altering decisions have been made. From selling everything I own, to discontinuing the relationship with my mother, to eliminating toxic and unsupportive friends from my circle, and then deciding to up and move my life to the other side of the world. All of which have been the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I have learned more about myself and have become more in love with myself over these last 19 months than I have ever been. That's the goal right? To fall in love with yourself? To feel completely at peace and centered in your life. To be so mindful of your day, each moment, that you can remember even the taste of your breakfast from this morning? Being so present in every relationship and friendship that you know exactly how they are feeling and you weren't distracted by trivial things when you were talking to them on the phone? But what about when it's time to add people to your life? What then?

Here's where I have hit a road block.

All this time, I have not only eliminated toxic vibes from my life but I have kept them out. I have kept my circle small and I've liked it that way. Until now. Now I am ready to spring forward with open arms and make new friends and have great relationships with good people. But I panic. Every. Time. I play with the idea of incorporating a new person into my life only to completely self-sabotage in 2.5 seconds. The thought of what another person entering my life could do to the relationship that I have with myself now, be that simply a friend or a romantic relationship, scares the shit out of me. I feel a lot. Too much, some might say. And I am always wearing my heart on my sleeve. Willing to give it away. So open to new opportunities and new friendships. But, this time. I am struggling. And what's worse is, this only happens with people who I know are amazing people. People I know would influence my life in the kind of way I want and need. People who I know would stay through thick and thin. And solid, kind, encouraging, uplifting people who I am SURE would be a perfect addition to my super small circle. People who I feel are surface friends, drinking friends, or friends who like to gossip; why are they so much easier to accept?

My biggest fear is this.

What happens when I let those amazing people into my life? And I allow myself to get lost in them. And I trust them and love them and accept them in this circle I have strategically made small, only for them to leave? For the first time in my life am I struggling with actual abandonment issues. Because that's what I feel my ex-husband did to me. I feel like he abandoned me. In my biggest time of need. In my darkest moment. When I needed a friend the most. He said, "okay" rather than fighting for me. If you had offered to pay me any amount of money, I can promise you, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that he and I would have ever been divorced. My very best friend. The person I was supposed to trust the most. The person who was supposed to love me the most, support me the hardest, and catch me when I fall. He just didn't. And now, as I am starting to allowing others to come into my world, I feel stopped in my tracks as soon as they get too close. I want to be open to the idea of letting people in and making new friends. But, at this moment, I am really struggling.

A situation occurred recently where I had the opportunity to have a very smart, solid, confident, kind, and caring person enter my circle. His friendship would have been exactly what I needed in my life. And I wanted so badly to leap forward and say, let's do this! Let's be friends! And, instead. I panicked. Freaked out, if you will. ON HIM. And, well, let's just say whatever the relationship could have been, is probably off the table now. This would not have necessarily been anything more than a friendship, but let me tell you how lucky I would have been to have a friend like him. But this is where I am. And I've never been here before. Maybe I've always been so quick to allow people back into my life and so willing to give my heart away to anyone after being hurt because I had never fully taken it back anyway. It's like my heart, since I was a kid, has been sitting in a field. And each time I run to pick it up, someone else gets to it first and I'm like, "Oh! Okay! Great! Phew. Now I don't have to deal with it at all." Is this the first time I've made it to my heart first and picked it up? Is this the first time I've held my own heart in my hands and had the opportunity to hand it to anyone of my choosing? And is this the first time that I am realizing what a HUGE deal it is to do that? This is not about romantic relationships or falling in love. This is about allowing someone into your heart. And giving them complete access to rip it back out. How am I just now realizing what a honor it is to give yourself to someone? How am I just now recognizing what a huge gift it is to have complete control over who enters your life? And how am I just now realizing how fucking scary that is?

How do I get over this fear? I dunno. The only way I can think of is to just do it. Trust my gut and know that sometimes I will be wrong. Sometimes I am going to be disappointed and people are going to hurt me. People are going to leave and sometimes I might feel abandoned by them. And that with each heart break I have felt from friends to lovers to parents.. I have become so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Someone asked me recently, "What do you like most about yourself?" And I said, "My resilience." Without hesitation, I knew what I liked most about myself. So, why, when an opportunity comes along to enrich my life with more laughter or pleasure or friendship or love do I forget all that I am capable of. All that I have endured. Each person that comes into our lives teaches us something. And if I can just get back to that place. Where I am willing to allow people to enrich my life through friendship and love, knowing that it may not last a lifetime, but knowing that I will be better for it. Then, that's when I know I'll be ready to really move on.

So, am I stuck? Or am I just scared?

As I hold onto my heart for the first time in my life, I realize I have given myself complete control over my own destiny. Over my own life. And for the very first time, ever, I have a say in who I am, where I go, who I love, and what I do. And, it's the most terrifying and overwhelming thing I've ever felt. It was so much easier when I just allowed people to pass my heart along to others who did not deserve it. So much easier to live in chaos than control. So much simpler to feel like I didn't have a say or have an opinion. And I hope that everyone of you has the opportunity, if you haven't already, to hold your own heart in your hand and feel the fear that I feel right now. Knowing that your future is all yours. It is yours to create or destroy. To love or to hate. To own or to give away. And in this moment, know that you have complete control over everything that happens from here, forward. And that all it takes is the courage to take that first step and say, "I've got this."