"I WISH I COULD RUN TO YOU AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I DON'T, I ALMOST DO." -TAYLOR SWIFT

It's been ten months, almost to the day, since I left my husband. I have never felt more confused by my feelings toward this. Ten months was when I jumped into a relationship with my ex after leaving my other ex. And it's been ten months. There's sort of a thing happening within me. Something telling me that I should go, seek, find a new man. But, I don't want to. I've had crushes and been on dates. Had a lot of sex and fallen in love. But, I have absolute zero and completely no interest in dating. And this is confusing. Especially since there's someone I would be with in a heartbeat if he would let me.

I've gone back and forth about if I really want to be with him. Is it the chase? The desire? Is it infatuation and obsession? Is it because he doesn't want me? I wonder sometimes if he decided to be with me, would I break his heart? Because every ounce of me has zero interest in being with anyone. After reflecting on this for many months, I realized that my desire to be with him is 100% genuine. I know that because I have never lived my life more presently and mindfully than I am right now. It's not about finding a man. It's about being with him. Because when the opportunity to be with a man comes up, I always decline. So, it's not about being lonely or filling a silence anymore, it's about wanting to be with that one person. And since that's not possible, I am alone. Happily alone. Which is a totally new feeling for me.

Here's what I've realized. And I struggle with this because I'm a strong woman. I take what I want. I rarely take no for an answer. And I never, ever give up on people. I've realized that all the love songs written by men. The ones we pine over. Cry over. Want desperately for someone to write a song like that about us. Those men chose those women. Those women did not choose those men.

Let's talk about the difference between men and woman. As if it's not totally obvious. But, before I say this, I need you to know that I am absolutely a feminist. I don't sit around and wait and I don't act helpless so that men find me attractive. I know that I am a hard woman to love. But, I am still a woman. It's biology. It's not an insult to be told that you're empathetic and kind. Loving and motherly. These are all qualities of women and we should feel proud of that. Not ashamed.

But, back to my point.

Each relationship I've been in, I have chosen that man. I have prepped him and taught him and trained him to be mine. Never has a man, in my life, just wanted to be with me. Would do anything to be with me. Chose me. Prepped me. Taught me. Trained me. Never. This got me thinking. We go around calling men assholes and dicks and blaming them for hurting us. But, we tend to try to trap men and trick them into believing they love us. We don't give them any credit. They are human too. And then they leave us and we cry and cry and believe that they loved us and we don't understand why they left. When, if we really thought about it, we might realize that we orchestrated this entire love story in our heads. That if they really loved us, they wouldn't leave. That people don't just fall out of love.

Just because men communicate and love differently than we do, doesn't make it wrong. They are very aware when they love someone or want to be with someone. We assume they don't know what they are talking about because they don't cry or talk about their feelings. But, find a man who chose his wife. A man who allowed himself to be the most vulnerable he's ever been and ask him about his wife. You'll be begging to get away from him because the amount of words he could say about the woman he loves are never enough.

I said earlier that I struggle with this. It wasn't long ago that I nearly begged for him to be with me. I am not perfect. I am still that woman who sees something that she wants and goes after it with all her heart. But, when I am calm. When my brain thinks clearly and I am full of acceptance.. the truth is, if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

I used to be the woman who made the first move. You better watch out because I'm definitely going to kiss you if you give me any vibe that you want me to. But, this acceptance that I've learned has changed me. I no longer make the first move. I no longer search for men. I don't try to find someone to fill a void or silence anymore. I just live. Because, as corny as it may sound.. the man I'm looking for will find me. And he will choose me. And that's when I'll know it's real.