"IF YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME, NEVER LET GO, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN." -NEEDTOBREATHE

I woke up today in a mindset that I was done settling. As I looked in the mirror at my reflection, I thought to myself, "I've been here before but I've never gone past it." I realize that where I am, in this very moment, is where I always am when I begin to believe that I am healed. This is when I get a new boyfriend. This is when I start to allow fake happiness and lies that I'm ready to move on haunt me. And this is when all of those things begin to cloud everything I desire for my life.

I wrote a poem on October 26th, but I didn't think much into it. It says:

When will I stop filling voids

With empty feelings

And risky ventures

When will I stop tempting fate

Begging it to ruin me

Challenging what it's best at

When will I accept lonely

Enjoy it's silence

Live in it's stillness

When will I learn

Absorb

Inhale

Accept

When will I see

I'm still broken me

Have you ever written something so raw, true, and real? Something that came from a place so deep inside of you that even your brain couldn't comprehend what you were trying to say? I thought about this poem this morning. I thought about how I met my new boyfriend just one day after I wrote it. And how what I am doing now is what I've always done. This pattern continues to haunt my future and scare away all my dreams.

Maybe this moment of realization should have scared me, but it actually made me feel really powerful over my own mind and over my own destiny. I have done it. I have peeled away enough layers of myself. Opened myself up so much that no matter how stupid my heart gets, my brain sees right through me. Years of settling and falling into these relationships with no future. Allowing loneliness to navigate my heart. I have stopped this pattern.

Our brains are the most powerful machines in our bodies. They can make you see things that aren't there. It can trick you into believing you're in pain. It can trick you into believing you're not in pain. It can manipulate you into almost anything. Our brains also have pathways and these pathways can be changed. Your brain can alter the way it thinks, feels, sees anything based on your own thoughts and actions.

My brain has never gone past this moment and as we speak, it is creating new pathways. It feels like I have been digging and digging to get out of a dark hole, only to finally penetrate the outside world. There is a small hole of light ahead of me and I am at a crossroads. I can choose to cover up the light again. Push the dirt back into the hole and pretend I didn't see it. Or I can continue to dig, making that hole bigger and bigger, the light brighter and brighter, and push my way onto the other side of fear.

The fear of the unknown is the scariest part of life. I've never been here before. I've never seen the possibilities beyond this moment. Every move I make, every word I say, every adventure I go on from this point on will be uncharted territory. There has been a part of me that has always believed that I would never really go to Spain. And I found all the reasons not to recently. My brain stopped at this moment and said, well, "this is as far as we've gone before, so buckle in and lets start this ride all over again." This morning, I say no.

Never have I believed so strongly, in this moment, that there is a huge future for me. I've said it, I've tried to convince myself of it, but I've never really believed it. The idea of moving to Spain and teaching English is now no longer a dream I have that may or may not happen. But, my god, it's a reality. I have never felt more drive and passion than I do right now. My writing is on fire, my thoughts are clear, and my actions speak volumes of where I want to go.

Why do we settle? I can't help but believe that it is because society makes us feel like we have to. Every holiday we spend with our families we get questions like, "have you picked a major?" Only to find ourselves settling on a major that we don't really want because we feel pressured to "just pick one." We get questions like, "So are you dating anyone? You're not getting any younger!" These questions and comments create pathways in our brains that make us think and feel a certain way.

If there's one thing I've learned over this last year, it's that we are so willing to dumb ourselves down, settle, pretend to be happy, pretend to be successful, act like we are well when it comes to the people we love the most. But why do the people we love the most encourage this behavior? And why has no one put a stop to it? Generations of judgment and resentment have led us into this vicious cycle of unhappiness. And I'm the crazy one?

I have no idea what my future holds. Will I wander forever? Will I never settle down? Never buy a house or have kids? I can honestly say that I have no idea. And I can honestly say that it doesn't scare me. I see myself as an old woman. A sleeve of tattoos, worldly and wise. I've seen 150 countries. 300 cities. I've tasted food of every culture. Walked on mountain tops and waded in rivers. But I can't see anything more than that. The part where someone does it all with me. Where I have a great love that never fades. I can't see it.

But today I take a step forward into a future of great unknowns. A path of rocks and rapids. A road not many people have traveled. A road not many people would travel. And somehow my mind is stilled and centered. My brain is carving, gently, new pathways of happiness and love. Adventure and opportunities. And while fear is my main feeling. I am consumed with excitement. Each day no longer feels like a hamster wheel. I have stepped off and seen what life can look like if you keep moving forward and release yourself from the hands of society.