"INSIDE OF MY OWN MIND, I BELIEVE MY OWN LIES.." -CHRISTINA AGUILERA

About six months ago, I set up an Instagram countdown for my big move to Spain. The other day, it went off and asked me if I wanted to post it to my timeline. Several emotions rolled over me. First, shame. Shame because I had talked about something for a year and a half, made a big deal out of it, bragged about it, posted about it, and then decided to not go. Sadness. Because I really thought that my move to Spain was going to be something really special and now I may not ever know what could have been. Anger. Because I know that Spain was just a cover up for all the problems in my life and I know that I lost a year and a half of accepting my realities for what they are, because I consumed my mind with something so that I wouldn't have to deal with it all. But mostly, when I saw the countdown end, I felt happy and so relieved.

I believe that we all go through the five stages of grief after a traumatic event. I believe that we do not go through each one in any certain order. I believe that we can go through the same stage more than once. And I believe that at the end of each stage, there is a moment of relief, where we think we are fully healed. I call this the "fake happy" stage. The stage where the overwhelming anger or sadness or denial has left your body and you feel free from it. It causes you to feel like it's time to jump into that next relationship or make that big move or big decision. It's an overwhelming feeling and you just don't ever want to leave that stage because for a moment, you feel "good" again. And during the times that we hit the "fake happy" stage, we tend to make big life decisions and truly believe that we are doing them with a clear mind. It's all a lie.

Moving to Spain would have been a dream, no doubt. I can't imagine anything that could have made it a bad experience. I could see myself lying on the beach in Ibiza, going to see the Northern Lights in Norway, and riding a camel in Egypt. I saw big moments and memories being made. I saw myself making 100 new friends and learning 4 new languages. I saw so many possibilities for traveling to exotic, gorgeous, romantic places. I saw myself falling in love with a foreign stranger. I saw adventure and a new beginning and happiness.

I also saw panic, fear, and anxiety. Moving to Spain meant putting my life on hold for a job that was not necessarily permanent. Moving to Spain meant leaving every problem I had here. I could run away and escape for a while, but the thought of coming back to nothing, scared the shit out of me. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was running away. I could not get myself comfortable with the idea that I could move across the world and leave all of my responsibilities here for me to come back to in a year, or two, or five. I could come back five years later, five years older, and have the same issues. It would be like stepping in the Wardrobe to Narnia and coming back five years later to my life exactly as it was now. And I had to ask myself, am I happy with where my life is right now? Is this a life that I would be happy coming back to? The answer was always no.

If you can't stop asking questions, I think the question you should really be asking yourself is, "Why do I have so many questions?" I don't know about you, but I don't ask a lot of questions when I am sure about something. Do you do the same job for five years, become totally proficient at it, and then ask a hundred questions about how to do your job? I don't. I kept asking myself, "Should I go?" And I had to stop and face reality and think to myself, "Why, if I'm so sure, so excited, so thrilled to be going, do I keep asking myself if I should go?"

The answer came to me not but two weeks after I decided, officially, to withdrawal my application to teach in Spain. For a year and a half I had done nothing but focus on this move. Every time I felt any emotion other than happy, I would say, "Just six months til Spain." Any time I felt uncomfortable somewhere, I would say, "Just four more months til Spain." And it kept me from facing the emotions that my body and my mind were trying to have. Two weeks after withdrawing my application, I hit rock bottom. Not because I was sad I wasn't going. But because I could no longer use Spain as an escape from my emotions. I decided that I was going to Spain less than two months after my divorce in 2018. So, my entire experience being divorced, I was able to throw Spain into every difficult moment. But now, I was having to face my life here with no excuses and no distraction. And I broke.

A week later I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications and was going to counseling regularly. The time was now. I had wasted 18 months hiding behind Spain and now it was time to face what I didn't want to face before. My divorce, my debt, my first divorce, loss of friends, family, opportunities. I realized I had actually never grieved anything in my life. And Spain was only perpetuating that pattern. Throwing myself into something new so that I wouldn't have to face the pain that is my life.

Spain is not going anywhere. But, I am. I am going forward rather than standing still. I can running straight ahead, rather than looking back. Whatever life has in store for me, it is not what I have planned for myself. Life is going to take us to places we have never been in the time that we are supposed to. And never anytime that I have forced my way into a situation, relationship, moves, whatever.. it's never worked out as well as when I just let it be.

So, I'm staying in Texas. For now. And I have no idea what my future looks like. All I know is that I move into my new apartment on Saturday and me and my sweet baby Sam (my cat) are going to start a new chapter. A chapter out from under this rock I've been living under for what feels like my whole life. And I may leave some day. I may go. But it won't be because I am running away. It won't be because I am trying to hide or escape. And it won't be because I can't face the reality of life. It will be because my heart is pulling me toward something spectacular.

Listen to your gut. Face your realities. Walk forward, proud, with your head held high. And let it be.