IS IT OVER YET? CAN I OPEN MY EYES? IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO REALLY CRY? -KELLY CLARKSON

Sometimes being happy is scarier than being unhappy. I feel like when we are unhappy, we are more guarded with ourselves. Our hearts. We don't let people in as much or as far. We are much quicker to not deal with bullshit and to refuse to let people walk all over us. When we are happy, we tend to let more things roll off. And while I do think that to be a good quality, it is also way too easy to fall into old habits. I ended this blog several weeks ago. I woke up one day, and just felt like myself again. I felt happy. I started hiking and hanging out with friends again. Which also meant I started spending money again and risking my heart on people. And what I tend to forget is that we are never really done growing, learning, progressing. So, I ended this blog saying I had outgrown it. But, does anyone really ever outgrow growth?

I have had one of the hardest weeks that I've had in a while. And I realized that I am starting to fall back into old patterns. Patterns I swore I would never fall back into. When you're happy, you want to go out and do things and you're almost willing for it to be with ANYONE because it's been so long since you've done anything fun. But, I tend to forget that people don't really care. And I really have tried to save my time for people that I actually want to spend time with, since I am moving away in three months. But, it does feel like desperation sometimes. Like, YEAH LETS HANG OUT! WHENEVER! SOUNDS GREAT! And you aren't really thinking about your heart. And you forget that people aren't ever really thinking about anyone else but themselves.

I am the kind of person that gives ALL of me in every relationship I have. Be that a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship. You would think I would get tired or fed up. But, I never do. I can't explain why I'm like this. But it doesn't matter how many times I've been hurt, I fall into every relationship head first, without a helmet. Some say this is a good quality and some days it feels that way. Other days, not so much. One of the things I struggle with so much is knowing who to give my heart to and when. And this is not just with men! Female friendships are so important and I thrive on them. I enjoy my girls nights and silly discussions about Grey's Anatomy and The Bachelor/ette. And I wouldn't give it up for anything. But, just like in romantic relationships, you still have the ability to get hurt. And I seem to, every time.

For the last 18 months, I have really kept my circle very small. I was off Facebook for over 4 years. My instagram is an Alias. I kept to myself and I found peace in that. But, then I got happy again, it's like I threw my heart into the middle of a field and just said, "WHO WANTS IT!" I'll never understand my ability to do this and why I never, ever learn. I have been through a lot. And my trauma and hardships are not any more important or severe than anyone else's. But, this week... this week it all came crashing down. I can honestly say that I have not CRIED, I mean ACTUALLY cried in a year and a half. Let the flood gates open, my friends. Two days of crying and man, did I need it.

I think a lot of about ways to keep myself safe and keep my heart protected. I think all the time about getting back off of Facebook. But, that doesn't solve anything. I want to live in the world, the modern world, and be able to just HANDLE IT. I am tired of being so sensitive. I am tired of shutting myself off to everything because I can't handle the harsh realities of LIFE. I want to just live and be able to buck up when shit gets hard. Not shut down. I would consider myself one of the more resilient people I know. I ALWAYS pick myself back up. But, lately, I just want to crawl into a hole when things get hard. Why do I have to be so resilient all the time? Why can't I just not deal with it. I've been DEALING with shit FOR.SO.LONG. I just wanna be done.

So, how do we protect ourselves from shitty people? From shit that hurts? And when will I learn who to trust? Honestly, I think the answer is never. I think if we learn too much. If we protect ourselves too much, we set ourselves up for a lonely life. I feel like maybe some adversity and disappointment from time to time, learning lessons here and there, is good for our soul. It reminds us that we are human and alive. When I was sheltering myself a lot, I didn't feel alive. So, it's a give and take, I think. You keep putting yourself out there and sometimes you're going to get shot down. But if you stop putting yourself out there, then you'll never know the amazing things that could really happen. And I think that's why I'm never scared to give so much of myself. Because while I've been hurt more times than I can count. Those moments of TRUE happiness when you find someone that just brightens your day and lifts your soul, there is nothing like it. And even if it's not forever. Even if it's just for a moment. That feeling of human connection and love is worth all the times I've felt defeated.

So, maybe I haven't outgrown this blog. And maybe I never will. When you stay present in life and when you self-reflect as often as I do, you are constantly growing. There's no stopping the growth when you allow yourself to learn and absorb everything around you. And there are days when it's too much. And there are days when it fills your soul up. And maybe that's okay. As I said before, happiness is as much of an emotion as sadness, anger, frustration. It comes and goes. Happiness is not a destination. It's not a way of life. Somedays are going to be better than others. But that doesn't mean that you're an unhappy person. It just means you're a person.