"LOVE, YOU'RE NOT ALONE 'CAUSE I'M GONNA STAND BY YOU.." -RACHEL PLATTEN

When I was about 19 years old, I called an ex-boyfriend and asked him to meet me. I was struggling with a new boyfriend who had absolutely zero respect or love for me. We sat in the Starbucks parking lot in Lake Highlands, in Dallas, and talked. I told him all about the relationship and how sad I was. He looked at me and said, "..you don't love yourself and until you do, no one will ever love you the way you want to be loved." At the time I had no idea what that meant. I wasn't REALLY listening. I was sitting there hoping that he would rescue me. Cause that's all I've ever been taught. That the only way to survive a shitty relationship is to get into a new one. To let the guy rescue you. And let me tell you how well that philosophy works out.

Waiting for men to rescue me is exactly why I'm 34 and single. And while I feel no regret for the way my life has played out, it is something to reflect on. I have left every relationship with the idea that as long as I got back into another one, I would be okay. There has never been a time after a break up, that I didn't "fall in love" immediately with someone else just hoping and praying that it would just work out and I wouldn't have to feel the pain from the old relationship. Sure that sounds irrational and now I look back and think, what the fuck? But, it's just desperation. We try so hard to believe that love will conquer all. And it does. I believe it does. But what about the love we are supposed to have for ourselves? Because in my experience, my lack of self-love is the core reason for my lack of love.

I remember so many times throughout my life where I thought I FINALLY understood what he was saying to me that night. And this could be another one of those times. We'll see, I guess. But, for the first time, I feel like those words have actually penetrated into my soul. I was listening to the song "Stand By You" by Rachel Platten tonight. I started to thinking about how several years ago I posted a picture of me and my ex-husband with a quote from that song. It said, "Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you." Then I started to judge myself a little. I never lived up to that quote. I left him because he gave up on me and I tried so, so hard to stay and be the best wife I could be. But, in the end, I left. I could see the picture that I posted in my head. We were happy once. So, why did I leave? Why, if I knew that we could be happy and had been happy before, did I give up on us? It's because I didn't love myself enough. In fact, I hated myself, and I truly believed that the only good thing in my life was him.

As I was listening to the song tonight, I started singing it to myself. I was like, "LOVE, YOU'RE NOT ALONE 'CAUSE I'M GONNA STAND BY YOU!!!" I looked at myself in the mirror, pointed at myself, just trying to be silly, and then realized how much I really do love myself right now. I took another mental look at that picture I posted several years ago and I know that the reason that he and I never worked out was because I was willing to walk through hell with him, but never for myself. I immediately went to an old Instagram account that I made back when we were together. It was about fitness and losing weight. It had a "before" picture of myself and several pictures of women who I felt I needed to look like. The before picture made me sick because the weight I was in that picture is 10 pounds lighter than my current goal weight. And. I. Looked. Amazing. And rest made me sad because I truly felt like I needed to be anyone, ANYONE, other than me.

He never told me how good I looked. Ever. In fact, I can count on less than one hand the number of compliments I received from my ex-husband in the seven years we were together. And half of the compliments I did receive were because I literally cried and begged him for them. But the truth is, I put way too much emphasis on compliments from him. So much so that when I wouldn't get a compliment, I would eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. I allowed his view of me completely run my life. I allowed his lack of empathy and lack of awareness and lack of love completely dictate my appearance, my respect, and my love for myself. And that is, without a doubt, the definition of a lack of self-love. I've carried this weight, both literally and figuratively, for so many years that I have become unaware of how much damage I've really done. And I can sit here and blame it on him all day long. Or I can take responsibility for the fact that I gave him the power to ruin me. And that is 100% on me.

I am going to quote the great Taylor Swift for a moment. Years ago she said, "I will never change, but I'll never stay the same either." And that resonates with me. I don't ever want to change from the kind of person who loves so hard and with her whole heart. It would be easy to hate that girl. The girl who has spent the majority of her life in shitty relationships because she loves so hard, too hard. But, I can't. I can't hate her. I can't hate that part of me. Because it is one of my very best qualities. So, I will never change that. But, I can change how I love myself. And in that, I'll never stay the same. I am continuously learning and growing and today is the day that I realized, for real, that the reason no one has ever been able to love me the way I need to be loved is because you show people how to love you. And you date people who reflect how you feel about yourself. And I gave those people all the tools they needed to love me in exactly the way that I loved myself.

I used to get furious with my ex-husband when he would say things like, "stop blaming your weight on me, if you want to lose weight, just do it." But in a way, he's right. Do I think he should have had more empathy for how much I was struggling? Of course! But how can I expect him to show me the empathy I needed when I had no empathy for myself? I've been single for 16 months now. And the longer I'm single, the more I love being single. I'm finally loving myself for the first time EVER in my life. And all that really means is that I'm not at all ready to be in a relationship. Epiphanies are great. They feel so good. When you finally realize something. Finally feel great about something. Or feel like you're actually on the right path for the first time in your life. But epiphanies are only the beginning. 16 months and counting. And I'll be damned if I rush myself now. I've seen too many great things happen these past 16 months. The hardest, most uncomfortable months of my life. Yet, the most rewarding.

I have a long way to go though. I just started loving myself emotionally. But, I'm still on the excruciating journey to loving myself physically. And while I no longer have the same goals, i.e. looking like a super model. Losing the weight I've been carrying around these past 4 years is necessary. Not because I care what other people think. We all know I don't give a shit about that. It's more about how I feel. The weight I've been carrying around is just a reminder of how much I've hated myself. How poorly I've treated myself. How sad I've been. How I've let people dictate my own self-worth. And, well, that doesn't match too well with how my insides feel anymore. Self-love is a forever journey. It will never stop. I am still the girl that loves too hard. And the next time I am in a relationship, I will have to work double-time in the self-love department to ensure that I never let myself go again. And while I think it's okay to give your wings to someone whose wings are broken. How can you do that, if yours are broken too?