"NO, I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU.." -KELLY CLARKSON

"Happiness is a mood, not a destination." Sure, you can write this phrase off as some cliché saying from a hit TV show or you can accept that it has a powerful message. As humans, we are constantly trying to obtain happiness. Which is great! There is no shame in wanting to feel happy. But that is what happiness is, a feeling. And only that. Happiness is not a destination. You don't reach happiness and then feel it all day, every day, for the rest of your life. Happiness comes and goes just like any other emotion. But so many people confuse happiness with a destination and then they quickly find themselves feeling "depressed" as soon as they don't feel this perfect feeling of happiness for a day or two. Once we accept that happiness comes and goes as often as sadness, anger, frustration, etc. we will learn that to be unhappy for a moment or several moments does not mean you are an unhappy person.

This is my theory for why so many people these days end up divorced. Back in the day, people stayed married for 40, 50, 60 years. Til they died. And the reason, I believe, is because they did not have this ridiculous expectation of happiness. They understand that not everything is roses all the time. You're going to argue and disagree. You're going to have bouts of unhappiness in your relationship. You're going to endure hard times and possibly loss. But this does not mean that your relationship is going to fail or should be ended. In fact, the strongest relationships I know are the ones who have made in through those difficult moments and took it as that. A difficult moment in their relationship. Everything today is so drastic. So dramatic. And the expectation for everything is so outrageous and so high. Unattainable is a word that comes to mind.

I bring up this topic because over the last month or so, I have felt "happy." As society calls it. However, when people ask me if I'm "happy," I really do hesitate to say yes. I don't want to give anyone this ridiculous expectation of how I should be acting because I say I'm "happy." I don't want to have to smile all the time, when I don't mean it. I don't want to have to be peppy and cheer people up all the time. Happiness is not this outward, fake, silly emotion. It's not jumping up and down all the time or being super upbeat and always trying SO HARD to see the best in EVERYTHING. Sometimes happiness is just a feeling of true contentment inside of you. The truth is, sometimes life sucks. And that's not me being negative. It's just a fact. Tragedy happens all around us, all the time. We lose jobs and friends and family and it sucks. While dwelling on the issue isn't the best practice, we do need to accept that we will have times where things don't go our way or we will have moments of disappointment. And that that's okay.

So, I really do prefer to use the word contentment. In fact, I've never felt this content in my whole life. And so, here is it. I am ending this blog. Not because I'm "happy" now and don't have anything to write about. But, because I am ready to move on from this chapter in my life. There will be a new blog and new entries and new stories. But, this chapter has come to an end for me. This blog has done more for me than I can even express. I started it as a platform to try to help people feel comfortable rebelling from societal norms and truly learn to love and be true to who they are as individuals. I hope that it did that. But, truthfully, what it really did was help me through a time in my life when I thought there was no more hope. If there was a rock bottom below rock bottom, that was where I was at the beginning of this blog. So lost and broken. Unable and unwilling to see the beauty or possibility in anything. But, mostly, it helped me to become truly who I wanted to be. Someone full of love and empathy. Hope and humility. Non-judgmental and open minded. And it saddens me to know that I felt ashamed of who I was for so long. How I was so willing to adapt to others and quiet my own voice in order to fit in or feel accepted. When really, no matter what I did, I never felt accepted. My reputation may have been destroyed after my divorce, but I have never felt more loved in my life. Surrounding myself with people who truly see me for who I am and what I'm capable of. My circle is small now but my confidence and the acceptance I have for myself is larger than life.

I move in Spain in four months. And I have no expectations. True contentment allows you to feel okay about a lack of expectations. There is something about the feeling of happiness that gives you the ability to let go and accept whatever happens to you. The feeling of being truly present in your own mind gives you the opportunity to just take things as they come and never dwell on the past or fear the future. I am in a place in my life where anything could happen to me and I feel no fear. I am ready. I feel brand new. And with these new feelings and opportunities, it is time to say goodbye to the last 18 months of my life. Some of the darkest, most miserable, most empty days I've ever experienced. But, I will not erase this blog. It will stay as is. Because I hope that people still read it. I hope that people still love it and grow from it and relate to it. And to those people, I have one last thing to say.

While these last 18 months have been the darkest, most miserable, most empty days of my life... they have also been the most productive, most educational, most rewarding days of my life. The growth I've had during this time is unfathomable. Shedding everything I own and everything I've known. Losing friends and family from my life. Refusing to accept being abused, neglected, and judged from people I thought were "supposed" to be in my life. And loving myself more than I ever thought possible. There is nothing I would do over. There was a time when I thought I would never make it here. There was a time I thought that maybe I would be better off dead. There was a time when I had no hope for my future. And to all of you I say, it gets better. Enjoy the good days and learn from the bad. Every day is a day for growth, even when it hurts so badly that you're not sure you can go on. If I had allowed the white noise from people, telling me that I'm crazy and unstable, affect me, I would not be here right now. And I would not know how amazing my life really is. And I wouldn't have the chance to see how many opportunities there are on this earth. Don't be afraid to go for whatever you want, no matter how unattainable it may seem. Don't fear losing people who will never understand or accept you. Do not shy away from doing things you love or enjoy because of someone else's opinion. They are not living your life, you are. And until they have to live everyday hearing the thoughts in your head, they don't get a say. Do whatever THE FUCK you want. At all times. And I promise, somewhere down the line, some moment will happen when you realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be. The happiness and contentment will overwhelm your soul. And the people who doubted you? Yeah, you won't think about them at all.

Goodbye, for now. Stay tuned for updates on the link for my new blog. It's coming and it's going to be extraordinary.

https://youtu.be/dx9mF1KJr0s