"ONE HUNDRED VIALS OF DENIAL, I KNOW THEY WON'T BRING YOU BACK. WHAT AM I TO DO?" -POST MALONE

"Hi."

"I know this is breaking the rules..."

I was leaving work when I got the texts. I knew I shouldn't text him back, but I did. I couldn't bare not to. For months we had tried to stay away from each other. One of us always caved. I never stopped thinking about him. No matter how much time went by, it took all I had to not call him. I had caved again and again on lonely nights but tonight he was the one and every inch of me wanted to see him. 

He told me he was at a bar watching a 90's cover band and asked if I wanted to meet him out. He joked that it might make me nostalgic over my 20's. His humor is the thing I loved about him the most. 

Love.

Never has anyone made me laugh like he did. 

Does. 

We'd met about four months prior, on Tinder. We stayed up til 4am texting the first night we matched, laughing all night. Passing back and forth witty banter and screen shots of songs we liked. He told me a few days later that he had met a girl on Tinder about 3 weeks before he and I started talking and they had gone on a few dates. He told me that he was "intrigued" by me but that he wanted to see where it was going with this girl. I didn't mind. I told him that I understood but that I enjoyed talking to him and asked if we could be friends. We both agreed. For weeks we would text, all day, every day. And eventually he became conflicted. And eventually, I wanted him.

The first time we had phone sex, it became clear that we were more than friends. But I was determined. I didn't care that we were attracted to each other, I didn't want to lose him from my life. He had quickly become someone I never wanted to say goodbye to. So, I tried and tried. We tried to talk every day, still, but each conversation would turn into a depressing discussion about why we couldn't be together, and then inevitably a "goodbye." I can't count how many times we said goodbye. And then again, hello. 

I fell in love with him before we had actually met. But I knew him. And that's how I knew it was real. It wasn't his eyes or his body. His hair or his hands. It was his intelligence. The way he could make me laugh. How vulnerable he would become talking to me. How we could tell each other anything. He became my first phone call, on any given day. I found his emotional intelligence sexy and appealing and I knew that even if I had to watch him be with her, I had to keep him in my life. No matter what.

I remember the first time we met. I picked him up at his house and we went for pizza. I remember the feeling I had when I hugged him for the first time. I remember his smile and how it felt like we'd known each other for years. I remember not being able to look him in the eye. And I remember how angry I was at him after he kissed me. Because I knew that was the beginning of the end. I had given myself a pep talk on the way to his house that night. "You're just friends. It's possible. We can be friends. Most men and women are attracted to each other. Doesn't mean they have to be together. Doesn't mean they have to have sex. Friendship is definitely possible..." 

I called him on my way home that night. "What are we going to do?" I asked. I knew that we could never be friends now. That kiss solidified everything we'd been feeling for each other and there was no going back. I remember the last time I spoke to him, I said, still angry, months later, "I wish you had never kissed me that night." It was then that I knew that someday, our goodbyes wouldn't lead to another hello. And I secretly loved the hello. 

"I know this is breaking the rules..."

It was. We had made, yet another promise to stay away from each other. One that we broke every couple of weeks. But that was the night we had sex and I became the women I hate. With total disregard for her feelings. Total lack of empathy for what I was doing. Total self-destruction and complete selfishness. And he was no better. I remember him asking me what to reply when she texted him goodnight, that night. I remember seeing a post-it note she had placed on his bathroom mirror that said, "Hey handsome! I love you!" Neither one of us cared. 

I have never cheated on anyone in my lifetime. And I have never, knowingly, been with a man who was cheating. This behavior wasn't like me. You can blame it on the numbness I felt from my own failed marriage. I remember having such little respect for relationships. I felt they were stupid and a waste of time. I had declared that I didn't believe in marriage and that I could never really love again, the way I once did. Blame it on that, all day... but I knew what I was doing. My heart was numb but my conscience and my logic was angry at me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew that if she ever found out, I would forever be a part of her insecurity and lack of trust. 

The next morning he was cold. In the bright light of day, we both saw everything differently. Angry with himself, he wouldn't even look at me. I felt disgusting and used. I felt hurt and angry. I left without saying goodbye. He had made me feel 10 times worse than I already did by his lack of communication and closure. I remember his face as he watched me leave from the front door. I knew it was over. I knew I would never see him again. I cried all the way home. I had lost my friend. I had fucked over another woman. No good came from anything that happened. It was just mass destruction.

Sometimes I wish I had never met him. But, selfishly, I still miss him to this day. I'm not sure I'll ever know how he made me feel this way. How he took a broken heart and turned it whole. Made me realize that I was capable of love again. Took away my bitterness and make me hopeful. I no longer think relationships are stupid. I no longer fight off the love in my heart. It's there. I have so much love to give and I will never judge myself, again, for how hard I give it. 

But love is not supposed to hurt. And hurt is all I feel. So why do we miss the people who have hurt us the most? Who are completely incapable of loving us. That will never be able to be what we need them to be. Why do we fall in love with what is not possible? With the storyline we fabricate in our heads. My true downfall is giving my love away to the wrong people, not for falling in love. I will remain a woman who is ready to fall. I just need to learn when, and when not, to let go.