"PUTTING UP WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT, IT MADE ME STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS." -KELLY CLARKSON

As we approach the holiday season, I have noticed a lot of conversation about the holidays and how hard they are. Most people talk about how it's hard because they don't get along with their families or their families make them feel worthless or aren't understanding of their choices or their paths in life. And as they start to finish talking about how sad they feel anytime they see their families, their next sentence is usually, "so I have to be there at noon tomorrow..."

Wait.

I haven't written much about my family in this blog. I have mentioned a few things here and there, but I really haven't gone into a lot of detail. I think mainly because I honestly have no desire to hurt anyone and the things that I would need to say in order to help you to understand my family, they would be harsh. Harsh, but honestly, perfectly fair. Families are hard. But this is something that I will never understand. Why are they so hard?

I feel like over many centuries, we have planted this idea that we are allowed to treat our family like crap because they have to forgive us, because we are family. I hate this moral. Hate it. I have been guilty of falling into this trap, myself. I have treated my family like crap before, walked all over them, expected too much from them, demanded too much from them because they are SUPPOSED to love and support me no matter what.

This is my first holiday away from my family. By away from my family, I mean estranged. And I have to be honest, I've never felt less sad. Do I miss my family and wish that things were different? Sure. But, it's not different and might never be different. And this is something that I have actually, truly accepted in my heart. Which is what made it so easy to walk away. But I don't want to talk about my family, as much as I want to talk about why we feel like it's okay to be abused by people just because "they love us."

I fully understand the fear that comes along with walking away from everything you've ever known. I did it. I walked away. But what I don't understand is why more people don't do it. Personally, I was tired of feeling beaten down all the time. I was exhausted from putting on an act every time I walked through their door. I didn't feel heard or understood. I didn't feel like I was allowed to feel the way I was feeling. And I was tired of no one taking responsibility for their actions. I know I'm not the only one, so why do we still allow this to happen?

Through my studies, and also, simply from experience, I have learned that the majority of the time, when someone says something to you, it's really about them. It's called projection. Years of sitting with our families, allowing them to project on to us their own insecurities or their own issues, we start to believe what they are telling us. I am a true example of this. When I was with my ex-husband, I was very thin and fit. I put on some weight at one point, and looking back now, it was perfectly healthy weight. But, they were very much about appearances. His family made comments about my weight, he would make comments about my weight, and eventually I found myself 60 pounds heavier. IT. IS. REAL. The things that people say to us penetrate our psyche and can cause us to hurt ourselves without even knowing it.

I don't know if it is my knowledge of this fact or just simply that I was tired of feeling terrible about myself all the time, when I had nothing to feel terrible about, that made me finally walk away from my family. But, I am curious how many people walk around 50 pounds heavier, stay in jobs they hate, stay in marriages that are hurtful or sad, or still go through the holidays every year because they feel like they have to.

I have written a blog on how I feel about these words:

Have to

Should

Need to

Supposed to

Strike these words from your vocabulary.

I KNOW they are your family. I know. But, you are not required to take their abuse. I went a bit extreme in my decision of completely cutting my family from my life, but to be honest, it was necessary in my case. I am not suggesting that you never see your family again or you cut them out, move to a different state, and change your phone number. (Like I did, lol) But, I am suggesting that you set boundaries for yourself. Here's how I do it and it may not be for everyone, but just some food for thought.

I really pay attention to how things make me feel. There is a quote by Louis CK that says, "When a person tells you that you've hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't." Despite years of people telling you to stuff it down, get over it, and suck it up, feelings are real. And we should acknowledge them because when we don't, the result can be catastrophic.

Acknowledge how things make you feel. I can't tell you how many times I've suffered through nights out with friends, family events, social events, college events, whatever.. and I was miserable. But, I felt like I just HAD to stay. Like it would be rude to leave. Sure, society will tell you that it's rude to leave. But, why do you care? Really think about that. Why do you care? Is it because you actually really care? Or because someone, sometime told you that it was rude and you conformed.

During this time, of me, essentially, rebelling against all of societies social norms, I have found some things that I continue to do, truly because I feel like they are the right thing to do. So, by not conforming or by going against societies views or opinions of what is wrong and right, I'm not saying to put up a middle finger to morals and ethics. You know what is right and wrong and you know what feels right and wrong when it's happening.

This is different for everyone. I have friends who feel perfectly comfortable with telling people, to their face, to fuck off. Like, actually, "please fuck off.." I am not one of those people. I will politely excuse myself from conversations that I do not feel has any substance. But, personally, I cannot be that blunt. But, does that make it wrong? We all have different ideas of how to handle situations in life and other than breaking the law, killing people, etc... they aren't wrong.

I am also not suggesting that these people that don't make you feel good or people that you've realized you really don't want to be around are bad people. I have release multiple friendships from my life this year from people who are wonderful. I felt like they were honest, good people. They weren't out to make my life miserable or hurt me in any way, they just didn't give me what I needed in a friendship. And that's okay.

We have this ridiculous idea that we are supposed to be liked by everyone. And with that, we sometimes wear these masks around certain people in order to fit into their circle. We adjust ourselves, our words, our actions, our clothing sometimes, in order to make others feel comfortable. Just as an example, we might wear a dress to a family dinner when we would never wear a dress anywhere else, in front of anyone else. But, we do it because...... why?

I am not completely oblivious to the idea that we wear that fucking dress to make mom, grandma, boyfriend, whoever.... happy or comfortable or whatever.... but WHY? Why aren't we not allowed to just be ourselves? And what really pisses me off is, if I was to say that to my family, they would say something ridiculous like, "What?! You don't have to wear a dress if you don't want to!" Ugh... People love to deny what they expect of you when it's brought to their attention that it makes you unhappy. But, in my experience, and this is NOT every family... that just leads to them talking about how you're not wearing a dress behind your back. But, they would never tell you to your face that that really is what they expect from you. BECAUSE IT'S RIDICULOUS. (lol) And they know it.

(The dress, again, is just an example. Replace dress with literally anything...)

So, I wonder, why do we put ourselves through this? And the answer is really simple. If we cut out all the people from our lives that make us sad, there is a very real chance that we could feel very, very alone. I have felt this way many times over the last year. And I have had to push through and find friendship and love in people and places that do bring me happiness or give me substance. This is not always easy. There have been extremely lonely times. Times when I've turned to alcohol or sex in order to fill that silence.

But, I don't regret it. Because once I got to the other side. Where I felt truly happy in my own skin. In my own thoughts and feelings. When I really quit allowing people to alter how I felt about myself or questioning my decisions in life, I stepped passed all of that unhappiness and loneliness and realized that my own company and the company of the few people that I keep in my circle are really enough.

I don't feel like I've found my place in this world yet. I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. But, I am living in limbo. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So, when your family questions why you're not dating anyone or why you're not picking a major. Why you're not working out or why you're quitting your job that makes a lot of money. Why you're not having kids and why you're not.... WHATEVER. Realize that whatever you're doing is okay. And that you don't have to settle, EVER, on ANYTHING.

As I sit here alone on Thanksgiving, with no stuffing (my fucking favorite) and no one around me but my kitty cat, Sam... I actually feel perfectly content. My journey to this point has been hard. Lots of tears and lonely nights. But I'm not done healing. And I'm not done progressing. And anyone who tells you that you should be somewhere, doing something, at a certain time in your life because that's what you're SUPPOSED to be doing... well, fuck them. I stand before you someone who has found true happiness without all the should's, and supposed to's, and need to's and I support you in finding that contentment as well.

I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season. Feel good about who you are and where you're going in life. Because you're the only one who has to live with the end results. Be true to who you are, and who you are will always be true to you.