"SO, TO ALL THE GIRLS THAT'S HURTING, LET ME BE YOUR MIRROR.." -ALESSIA CARA

Growing up, my idea of beauty was perfection. Literal perfection. Society's view of perfection. Model-grade perfection. Over the year and a half that I have been on this journey to self-love, I have felt really conflicted about one main thing. What is beautiful? My entire life I have been told I was "gorgeous." And that word, as much as it is a compliment, is also a death sentence. See, when we are told that we look "gorgeous," we immediately go look at ourselves in a mirror and that image that we see in that moment, THAT EXACT IMAGE, we lock in our minds as our baseline, our must, our have to, our should, our perfect. And the reason this is a death sentence is because the next time we look in the mirror and don't look like that exact image and no one tells us we are gorgeous, we immediately think we are ugly.

As a kid, I was put on this pedestal of perfection. I wasn't the best in school but I was pretty. And my entire life was based around this one fact. I was obsessed with perfection and the moment I was not perfect anymore was the moment, the actual turning point, when my entire life went to shit. I started to accept less than I deserved. I allowed people to treat me poorly. I dated shitty men. I had shitty friends. I drank myself to stupidity. And I used drugs to feel better. The moment that I did not feel like I was that same girl in that mirror, that one day someone called me gorgeous, I no longer had any love for myself, my life, or my future. I remember the day I knew I did not give a shit about what people thought. I was 18 and a model in New York City. Everyone's dream right? (eyeroll) I went on an audition and the audition was to stand in this guys office, strip down to my bra and underwear, and allow him to tell me all the things that were imperfect about my body. He pointed out every curve, every dimple, every ripple, and I stood at 5'10" and a size 6. So, it's not completely unreasonable for me to think that if I'm that imperfect at a size 6, that I am HIDEOUS at a size 12. On my way home from that audition, I bought a half gallon of ice cream and ate the entire thing in one sitting. Fuck him.

I remember growing up in a family that made a lot of comments on other people's looks. My mom once said to me, "Look at that dimple on that girls butt, I hope you never have dimples." She also said to me once, while looking at me up and down, "I wonder where you're going to get fat?" See, my family had this weird thing where one moment it was unacceptable to do something or be something and then would turn around and say something like, "well, everyone ends up that way." Which caused utter confusion in my tiny, little, teenage brain. Okay, so should I expect to be that way someday? And that's okay?? Or am I not allowed to be that way at all? The back and forth of acceptance was my main form of support. And I never knew any differently. My grandmother used to point out every time a man was looking at me. And now, when I look around a room and see no men looking at me, I think back at all those times my grandmother told me all the men were look at me, I remember what size I was during that time, and I immediately hate myself. I have also always dated/married (lol) men who were obsessed with my perfection. Forcing me to work out to the point of fighting about it if I didn't want to. Needless to say, my idea of beauty is fucked.

I don't look at women who are not perfect and think they look hideous. In fact, I LOVE when imperfect women are so outspoken. I follow a girl on Instagram who used to be a body-builder and would do body-building shows and such. She now speaks out about body image issues, eating disorders, obsession with perfection and weight, and how she is completely against all of it now. Her page is a huge reason I have decided to write about this topic. So, thank you, Mary (@maryscupofteaa). What is interesting about this past year is that I made a decision a while back that I was done doing anything that made me unhappy. And I haven't done anything that has made me unhappy since. And what's interesting about this is, I don't give a shit about losing weight. And I have TRIED to care. In fact, it's almost like I feel like I HAVE to care. If/When a friend says something about eating better or working out, I feel the NEED to say, "Oh, yeah! I'm back in the gym" or "I ate perfectly today!" But, this is only society telling me in my head that I have to care or at least pretend to care. When I just don't.

I do not hate fitness and I don't not hate health. I love to eat healthy and I always feel better when I do. I love to hike. I love to run. But, I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food that causes a lot of conflict in my life. I am constantly wondering where I stand with what real beauty really is. And I'm constantly conflicted on whether or not I give a shit about my weight. I stopped doing things that made me unhappy because I wanted to get a glimpse of the things that actually do make me happy. What has been fake my whole life and what has been genuine? As a child athlete, I had it all. The six-pack, the biceps, the lats, the size 4 jeans. All of it. I was perfect. I was. In society's view of perfection, I was absolutely perfect. And it has fucked up my entire life. For the past 15 years I have hated myself. And I'm fucking done. I'm so done hating myself. It's exhausting.

I have been "overweight" for about 3 years now. A huge reason my husband didn't want to touch me anymore. I was no longer this perfect image standing next to him. I was no longer what he dreamed about or thought was good enough for him. But the craziest thing about my weight now, is that I am more confident than I've ever been. But I say things, still, like, "Ugh, I'm so fat" or "Ugh, I need to lose weight." But I don't think I really think that. Your brain is a powerful machine. But, what's amazing about your brain is that it's changeable. You can rewire your brain, by simply exercising it, to think differently. My brain is still stuck in this obsession with how society sees me and yet my heart is crying out, "you're perfect just like you are now." I'm not new to constant conflict going on in my brain but this is something I feel I really want to change. I want to rewire my brain to think like my heart does.

The reason it is hard for me to admit that I like the way I look now, is because I know that this eliminates about half the men out there that are available. Look, I am NOT ugly and I am NOT fat, but there are a lot of people out there that would disagree. And I think that my unhealthy idea of what beauty is messes with my head when I see someone I think is attractive and they don't give me a second look. See, I have always gotten second looks. Since I was a kid. But, is it that I'm not perfect anymore, that I'm not getting second looks? Or is it my lack of confidence, my lack of self-love, and my lack of ability to say to myself, "if they don't like you, then they aren't for you." The truth is, when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing but love. I see nothing but beauty. And when I walk down the street, I feel nothing but disdain. And THAT, my friends, is the point. If you look at yourself and think you're beautiful, then you are. Don't let the lack of looks, lack of compliments, the plethora of misogynistic men change your mind. Because how you feel about YOURSELF is all that matters.

You are never going to please everyone. Let me repeat that. YOU. ARE. NEVER. GOING. TO. PLEASE. EVERYONE. But, you're going to please what's meant for you. I once showed a friend a picture of me at my very biggest, very heaviest weight, and I went on and on and on about how disgusting I looked. I remember the look on her face. She just kept looking at me like I was crazy. And when I was done complaining and hating all over myself, she said to me, "I don't see you that way." The only thing I could say in that moment was, "shut the fuck up." Why? When we have found people who love us completely and unconditionally. Why? When we have surrounded ourselves with only people who want to lift us up, do we shut them down? Do we not believe them? Why do we self-sabotage and only surround ourselves with people who only want to agree with us that we are gross or that we're not what we should be. It's because today's society has created a pathway in your brain to make you feel like the way to acceptance is to hate yourself, compare yourself to everyone else, and constantly try to "improve" yourself. When really, your friends are looking at you going, "I'm so lucky to know such an amazing chick." So, next time your friends compliment you, believe them. Because I promise you, the people who love you the most see your beauty. And as soon as you love yourself the most, as well, you will start to see what they see. And what I see. And what I'm really trying to see in myself.