"SOMETIMES I WONDER, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS LIFE?" -CHRISTINA AGUILERA

This month has been the month of utter confusion. Complete chaos in my head and in my heart. And a lot of moments of absolute uncertainty. Although there has been so much going on, I have not written a lot this month because, honestly, I have not known what to write about. I can't write about something, anything, when I have no idea how I feel about it at all. But, I had an overwhelming feeling this morning to write about something that I have spoken a lot about in this blog. Something I have believed in and will believe in for the rest of my life without hesitation, without wonder, without the essence of time or societal views and skepticism.

Love.

If you've followed my blog at all, you know that I have thrown out all societal norms from my life. I no longer live off time clocks and should's. The views of people who tell me that I should be married and have kids bore me and I want nothing to do with them. I embrace those who live by their own desires, dreams, and who are obsessed with passion and drive and adventure. People who demand a better life, even when their view of a better life is not the desire of societies thinking. But this month has raised a lot of questions for me.

I have found myself slipping. Slipping away from the me that I have so carefully created this year. After stripping myself down and allowing myself freedom from everything that causes me unhappiness or pain, it would be very easy to look at my life right now and think that I have nothing. And yes, I have, indeed, felt this way over the last several weeks. I have been questioning all of my decisions over the last year. I have started to feel useless and cheap. I have allowed what people have said and how other people live determine how I feel about the very careful decisions that I have made this year. And so now I stop. Breathe. Reset.

Obsessed with love, I am. Always have been. And no matter how much I despise the idea of marriage and owning a home, and the life of going to work, eating dinner, and going to bed. I still, STILL, want love in my life. It's the one thing, I admit, that I have not been able to strip from my life this year. The desire to live life with someone. I have ripped off the feelings that I should be alone and allowed myself to never become a skeptic of love and always be a searcher of happiness. But, with that being said, my view of love has changed and while my heart tries to lead most of the time, my head is on right. And my head has kept me honest and logical.

How much time is enough time to know that you love someone? This is a huge question and a question that society will rip apart with their judgments and time clocks. Is there one way to love someone? Does loving someone mean that you have to be together forever? Does it mean that there are no other options in your life and that you are stuck in this moment? Does love have to go further than that or can you just simply have loving feelings someone? Do you have to ever be "in love" with someone that you love? Why does society make us feel like there is a right or wrong way to love someone? A good or bad time to love someone? It makes no sense to me.

As I find myself in a new relationship, the question of "do I love him" has already crossed my mind. It's been three weeks. I know what you're thinking. You, with your judging thoughts. You think that's crazy. Three weeks? How can you ever love someone after only three weeks? Here's how I feel. Love has no limits. Love is simply a feeling toward someone. A feeling of never wanting anything bad to happen to them. A feeling of wanting to spend more time with that person. A passion that makes you want to try harder, do better, make their life easier. Why do we put so much pressure on the word love? Why does loving someone have to mean something so serious?

By putting limits on love and by creating such a hard shell around that word, we cause people to not say or think what they are actually feeling. I will never live my life like that again. I will never stop myself from saying something or doing something because someone thinks that it is wrong or too soon or too crazy. Love is crazy! Love and feelings and emotions are messy. They don't always make sense and I will never stop myself from loving someone if that's what I'm feeling.

Here's my honest truth. I love him. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Move in together? Do I want to marry him? Have his babies? No. At this point in my life, no. I don't. And my heart and my head have been battling this month. They have been trying so hard to push me toward what society thinks about love. I have found myself reverting back to old ways. That if I, in fact, love him, then I should stay in Oklahoma. I should wipe away all my dreams and desires. I should settle down and focus my life completely on him and forget everything I've been working for.

So, I stop. Breathe. Reset.

I believe that we live in moments. And that most moments do not live forever. And I don't think that because you have loving feelings toward someone, that it should stop you from continuing down a path that you feel is right. I have struggled with a lot of anxiety lately. Anxiety about these feelings I'm having. Having to fight off the default settings in my brain. That if I love him, I must stay. But I can't. I can't because, no matter the love I feel for someone, I will always and forever love myself more. And I have a right to be that selfish. And the anxiety comes from not being understood. While I have felt a lot of confusion this past month, I have always known what I need to do. The clouds have been lifted and I see clearly now, what I always knew. I must go.

The anxiety and feelings I've been having are simply what I know the world expects of me. What society thinks should be happening. I have questioned if I have it all wrong. If there are some things I really should be doing. But, I know there's not. I have been living my life off feelings for the last year. I have been present in every moment and created a life of simple happiness. If I don't like it, I don't do it. If it doesn't make me happy, I leave. Simple. This is no different. But I am human. And I would not be human without the feelings of uncertainty and questions. Without caring about people so much that you start to wonder if you should live your life for them and not for yourself.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it, if living your life for yourself, chasing your dreams and focusing on your goals, causes someone to walk away from you or question if they should be with you, then they shouldn't be. He, on the other hand, has been completely supportive. It has been me who has been putting the pressure on. Completely questioning how I think this should go. I have not been living life day by day, staying present, and accepting the moment for what it is.

I am scared that I'll never leave Oklahoma. That I'll get trapped here. I know me. I will. I will stay to make someone I love happy. I will stay to attempt to be happy. When I already know that staying here will never make me happy. That this is not the life I want to live. And I forgive myself for becoming side tracked. I forgive myself for questioning my path and falling off my wagon of dreams. No matter who it is, how wonderful they are, how much I care and love them, staying in Oklahoma will bring me nothing but feelings of regret. And as hard as it is, walking away and doing what I know I need to do is what I need to do.

I heard a song this weekend and it really spoke to me. It's called Wild Flower by a band called The Great Divide. I listened to it several times. I've said before that I feel everything. And when I heard this song, I felt it in my gut. I knew what I had to do in that moment but my heart kept pulling me toward him and everything that he wants and tried to ignore everything that I want. And no matter how many times he told me that I needed to do whatever I needed to do. No matter how many times he encouraged me to never give up on my dreams and to not settle for anything. I just kept questioning it all. Until I heard this song:

"You were always such a wild flower. Don't go changin' just to try and please someone. Wild flowers best stay wild." -The Great Divide