THE FIVE STAGE OF FUCK YOU

Please do not be put off by the title of this blog. This is not an "angry-girl-who-hates-everyone-and-everything" kind of situation. Allow me to explain.

When I started writing this book, I realized that I was writing almost daily and each day was different. Each day I felt a new emotion. One day I might be positive and happy and accepting of where I was. Other days I felt extreme sadness and depression. Some days I questioned everything in my life. And what I started to realize is that yes, there are five stages of grief. And yes, I do believe that we go through each stage when we are in large transitions in our lives or we have just gone through some sort of trauma. But, who's to say we go through the stages one by one, in order? I find myself going in and out of every emotion all the time. And that's just what you're going to experience while reading this blog. Some things may not make sense at the time and it will come back to explain it later and how I got there. Because emotions are messy. There's no rhyme or reason for how we feel and when we feel it. Life is hard and just like everyone else, I'm holding on for dear life just trying to create a home for myself that feels right. And by home, I mean me.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've been through all of these so many times in my life that I can pinpoint exactly when I'm feeling what. What I noticed about myself though, in this particular time in my life, was that each stage that I was going through was leading me to give less and less and less of a fuck. Not giving a fuck doesn't mean not caring. It means being absolutely, unapologetically yourself. And for me, when I was going through my divorce, I just felt like all eyes were on me. I went from being a 32 year old woman with a master's degree in counseling, who was married to an exceptionally attractive man, owned a home, and was about to start having kids; to being a 33 year old woman in a studio apartment with her cat. When I tell you that this has been one my biggest hurdles in life, I mean it. It was like someone died.

When I first left my husband, I had this sense of urgency. Like, pretend you're okay. Um, quick, buy all that stuff so you look like you're doing well. No, don't let anyone see you struggling. Yes, have sex with a different guy every week so no one thinks you care about your divorce. Masks. We wear masks every day and we don't even stop to really think about what we're doing. We just go and go and go and work and play and fill the silence with meaningless discussion and drinking and artificial happiness and sex and work and spending. And we don't just stop. Breathe. Reflect. The moment I stopped I hit such a depression that I felt truly suicidal for the second time in my life. When we allow ourselves to feel what we are actually feeling, that's when the real work begins.

I am an imperfect person. I work on myself every day and I probably won't stop til I die. But, this journey I have been on has been the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life. Fulfilling and hard. So hard. I have had to make decisions that have torn my heart right out of my chest. But, they were some of the best decisions I've ever made. There's no secret to happiness and my journey is not for everyone. I have done some things that have made people question my sanity. My credentials. My intentions. And my heart. Here's what I have to say to those people...

Every decision that I have made over the last six months of my life has been with absolute intent and complete awareness.

I understand that this is hard to accept. It is much easier to assume that someone cut you from their life because they're crazy or they're immature or selfish or completely incapable of taking any responsibility. I know this is what you've been thinking about me. And I don't care. If you are in my life, it's because you make me happy. If you're out of my life, it's because you don't. I don't do anything that doesn't feel good and right in my heart anymore. If I see something and it makes me unhappy, I get rid of it. If I spend time with someone who makes me sad or feel badly about myself or makes me uncomfortable, I never see them again. It really is that simple. And since I began living my life that way, I've been much more lonely. But as a break myself down and strip myself of everything I have, I begin to rebuild. Completely losing myself has been my greatest accomplishment in my life. I regret nothing. And I don't give a fuck.

I'd like to end this post with a dedication.

I dedicate this blog to Steve Slonina. The only man that has ever unconditionally loved me. The man who taught me to not care what people thought about me. Who had more demons than most and still brought so much laughter and joy to people's lives. Who taught me that you can laugh through the pain and still enjoy life, no matter what it throws at you. The man who understood me more than anyone. Who knew what it felt like to have people look at him like he was crazy. Who taught me to be aware and empathetic toward people and their situations and cultures. The closest thing I had to a father. There is so much of you in me. Thank you.