"WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE, BY YOURSELF, DO YOU LIKE YOU? -COLBIE CAILLAT

I don't want children.

I wish you knew the kind of looks I get when I say this out loud. It's appalling the expressions and comments I receive when I say those words. "You'll come around." "You don't mean that." "You will someday." "Don't say that..." Why, in our society, is a woman's femininity defined by the having of children? What's even more amazing and fucking hilarious is when a man won't date you because you say you don't want kids, but when you say you do want children, they tend to run for the hills out of fear of being "trapped." One of the reasons I started to live my life so differently this past year is because I realized that no matter what I say, I am wrong.

When you're skinny, you're a crack head. When you're fat, you're gross. When you're educated, you're a know-it-all. When you're uneducated, you're an idiot. When you're hungry, you're a pig. When you're not hungry, you're anorexic. When you can change you're own oil, you're butch. If you don't know how to change you're own oil, you're a priss. When you don't have any sex, you're a prude. When you have too much sex, you're a slut. You can't win. So you might as well do whatever the fuck you want. 

I used to want children. But, looking back now, it was honestly because I felt like I had to. When I say that I don't want children -- while I shouldn't need to explain myself, I will -- what I mean is that I don't want children right now. If you asked me today if I want children, ever in my whole life, I would say no. Because I have no idea what the future holds. I have retrained myself to think completely in the present. I am not perfect, I falter sometimes. But, I really, really try to stay present. If there is one thing I've learned over my lifetime, it's that life changes and can change very, very quickly. In January, I had a CT scan that was clean. In August, I had a 3.5 inch tumor. In October of last year, I was married. In January of this year, I got divorced. Life changes so quickly and so I'm shocked by the amount of people who need an answer about what my life is going to look like ten years from now, when I can't tell you what I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow. Right now I don't want children, but in ten years, I might. Who knows? Why is it so important that I know right now?

What's even more fucked up is that now that I have this tumor and a whole bunch of other shit going on in there, and will more than likely need a full hysterectomy during surgery, it's okay that I don't want kids. It's okay that I'm confident and not upset about not being able to have children. It's given me a free pass. Thanks for the permission to continue to be a woman just because I have a condition that you deem severe enough to not have children. Honestly, what gives people the right to tell us how to live our lives? I'm not a monster, I love kids. But, society is so hell bent on age. We are so obsessed with having a certain type of life by the time we are 22, 26, 30, 35, 40.. But what does this really do? It causes us to feel badly about ourselves when we don't obtain that lifestyle by the age that society deems the perfect age to get married, have children, buy a house, etc. Whose rules are you living by? Why do we attempt to follow these rules? Who made these rules? You wanna know who made them? Religion. About a billion years ago. I could write a whole book simply on how I feel about religion. I won't put you through that. But has anyone really thought about it?

When I ask someone why they feel like women have to have children. They immediately back pedal. "Well, they don't HAVE to have children," they say. Sure, you say that now because you actually have no idea why you feel that way. Anytime I ask someone why they feel a certain way about a certain topic, 9 times out of 10, the conversation ends. Most people never really know how they feel about something. But, the true answer is typically, "because that's what I was taught." Sure. And that's a perfectly logical answer. It is what you were taught. But, now think for yourself and tell me what YOU think about it. Most people can't. Because very few people take the time to think about how they actual feel about something. We have been trained to think a certain way for our entire lives and why do we never, ever stop to question it?

I remember one day in elementary school, my mom came and picked me up and was crying. There was a church somewhere in Texas that had burned down and the entire congregation was inside. They were inside because they believed that the preacher of that church was God, or a person sent down by God to be their witness, or something like that -- and he made these people actually believe that if they sacrificed their lives with him, they would all go to heaven. Parents forced their children to stay in this church. Babies, toddlers, mothers, fathers, teenagers, grandparents burned alive because they were TOLD, with no proof, that they would go to heaven if they did this. This is a true story. And it's one of many. 

Why do we live our lives in a way that we are told is correct without any proof that it's correct? People who have never smoked a day in their lives, die of lung cancer. People who have never eaten junk food, die of heart disease. Life doesn't make any sense. There's no rhyme or reasons for why things happen. No one actually knows. So why is it a travesty that I don't want kids? Why is it insane that I don't want to get married again? Why am I crazy for wanting to travel for the rest of my life and never really have a home? Who's to say that the way I am living my life is actually the right way? I won't say that, because I don't believe that there is a right way. What is right for you, is the right way. 

The saddest part about all of this is that I think most of you agree with me. But as soon as this blog is read and forgotten, most of us will all go right back to our default button. Our auto pilot. Back to what is familiar and easy. Back to what we have been taught. Because it's scary to be anything else. It's terrifying to go against the grain, reestablish ourselves, rewrite our stories. Trust me, I understand. So, this post is not to judge you for not changing your entire life and everything you've ever known. This post is just, simply, to make you think. I am living proof that changing everything about yourself is a terrifying decision. I've lost a lot during this journey. But I've also gained more than I ever thought possible. 

I don't want children. And I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?