"YOU MAY SAY THAT I'M A DREAMER, BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE." -JOHN LENNON

Last night as I was leaving my house, I accidentally stepped on a June Bug. And my first thought was, "Oh no! Poor guy. I'm sorry." And my second thought was, "those things look just like Roaches, why are we so accepting of June Bugs but not of Roaches?" Random, I know, just stay with me for a sec... So, I remember being a kid and finding June Bugs in the pool and picking them up, letting them crawl on my finger. They never grossed me out or scared me. But, if I see a Cockroach, I'm done. Right? So, this really got me thinking about the way we are conditioned and how we make exceptions for certain things that we are taught or perceive to be "normal" or okay. It got me thinking about race, sexual orientation, gender, and other really serious topics that we are dealing with today.

In February, I posted a status on Facebook with the hashtag #blackhistorymonth. I would not consider myself "loud" when it comes to politics. But I do like to ruffle feathers. I like to be silent, but deadly. I enjoy posting very serious posts, giving my opinion, but in the most eloquent and subdued way possible. I like to challenge people's thinking. I like to plant seeds. As a counselor, I am trained to plant seeds in people and challenge people to think for themselves. 9 times out of 10, you already know the answer to the question you're asking. But, you're looking for validation. So, I tend to post things that are quite serious, something worth mentioning, and then I just sit on it. I don't respond back to haters or angry responders. I just put it out into the world and then wait. Hoping that just simply posting it will cause someone to think deeper, ask questions, question their own upbringings, their own biases.

So, I posted this post. And in the post, I threw in there a sentence that went something like, "White privilege is real, learn to check yourself..." and then I went on a bit about racism and that we have taken huge steps backward in equality in this country, but the most important part of this story is the part about white privilege. So, this guy messages me and tells me that he thinks that racism and white privilege are a myth and that he does not appreciate being told that he is doing something wrong when he does not feel like he is. At the time I did not know what to say to him. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the conversation and I feared saying something wrong. So, this was definitely a hind-sight moment where later on, after he de-friended me (LOL), I went back and forth about all the things I could have said.

Initially, his comment made me angry. I was pissed. I was yelling and venting to my friends and co-workers about how ignorant this guy is. But I could not come up with a single REAL response to his comment in his message. One thing I really pride myself on, is that I am good at not lashing out at people. When I'm angry, I am good at calming down before confronting a situation. I rarely say things I don't mean anymore. I'm not perfect at it and I'm new to this level of control, but I work really hard at it and would consider it, now, a strength of mine. I really enjoy being the bigger person and responding to people with empathy and true curiosity to their concerns or feelings of sadness or anger. Productive conversations just DO NOT happen through anger. So, in the end, I am very glad that I did not respond because I would have just lashing out in anger, possibly making a fool of myself and stooping down to the level of people I do not respect. So, I just beat around the bush a bit, "got busy," made an excuse to get out of the conversation... and then he de-friended me. LOL! So...

After about a week of going over and over it in my head. Because I do that, I obsess over things until I can clearly understand how I feel about it and what I should do about it or what I could have done better. So after thinking about it over and over, I said to myself, "his ability to believe that white privilege and racism is a myth IS white privilege." The fact that he does not have to deal with it, worry about it, stress over it. The fact that he does not have to be followed around in a clothing store by a sales person, wondering if he is going to steal something. The fact that he does not have to get scared or angry looks from people in an airport because he is getting on a flight with a turban on his head. THAT is privilege. I know what it feels like to be that privileged. As a white woman, I have never been questioned. Ever. Or accused of doing anything wrong. In fact, there are times when I definitely SHOULD have gotten into trouble for something and didn't. And when I think back, it definitely had to do with the color of my skin. And if someone of color had done what I had done, it more than likely would have been a different story.

We deny this fact and we refuse to talk about it because it's uncomfortable. We don't want to admit that we have more privileges than someone else because of the color of our skin. That is NOT a fun topic. And we feel guilty admitting that to people because we feel guilty for accepting and allowing people to hand us this privilege. We feel badly that while we walk casually through the metal detectors at an airport, someone of color is being searched behind the screen. (Side note: I am aware that now they are much better at being more diversified and choosing people at "random" to search, but it wasn't always that way and I do believe that there are times when it still is not, even if we don't want to admit it.) It is hard to accept that there are people in the world who have an easier go of it because of how they look. It just is, and I empathized with it. I really do. Because for YEARS I was uncomfortable. I skated around the subject. I used to say thing like, "I don't see color." Which is ridiculous. Basically all I'm saying there is, "Ignorance is bliss, and I like it that way." And it's true, it is so much easier when we don't have to have these discussions.

So, back to the June Bugs. I looked down at this bug and I thought, "this thing is actually disgusting. It has spiky feet that stick to your skin when you pick it up. It's got a hard shell and it flies." But, I got this image of me dancing in a field with a bunch of June Bugs. I know my brain is so fucking weird. And I saw myself smiling and being like, "Oh, you silly June Bug, you're stuck in my hair..." And then I thought about being in a field of Cockroaches and my body was just consumed with anxiety. So, why do we relate happiness, nostalgia, and comfort with June Bugs and not with Cockroaches? In the counseling world, it's called conditioning. And in every life, every household, every culture, every upbringing, every state, country, region... there are different people being conditioned in different ways. To believe this or that. To disagree with this or that. To feel this or that. To accept this or that. To talk this way or that way. To express themselves or don't. To love or stay guarded. To like June Bugs and to hate Cockroaches. And that's when I began to actually have empathy for the guy who wrote me that day.

See, as much as I can say that he is ignorant and small minded, he could say that I am misinformed and out of line. There is give and take to every single thing in this world. Because everyone is brought up so differently. Everyone is conditioned in different ways. We are all going to think differently all the time. And maybe this idea that we are ever going to all agree on a topic is insanity. But, here's what I know. Conversation is paramount. And knowledge is power. And understanding is necessary. In our lifetimes, there have been so many topics that we have been too uncomfortable to discuss. Let's take AIDS, as an example. For a long time, back in the 80's, AIDS was considered a homosexual disease, we were unaware of the cause, there was no cure, and we were all scared. Look guys, I watch Grey's Anatomy, okay? I'm an expert. ;) So, back then, no one talked about it, no one was willing to have a conversation about it. And people believed that they could never get infected if they were not a homosexual. Everyone believed that it was isolated to that one population and that they were invincible. And you know how it ends.

Conversation, acceptance, open-mindedness, and understanding is what it took to have the conversation about the topic of AIDS. Now, there is continuous research and discussion. We know so much more about it now. We know it's not just homosexuals or intravenous drug users. That it can be spread to anyone, at any time, and none of us are immune. People are less afraid of it now. We understand how it is contracted and how to protect ourselves. We have the knowledge, which is power. We have the conversations, which are paramount. And we have understanding, which is necessary. It's really that simple. When we understand something, we are so much less afraid of it and we are more accepting of it's presence and it's flaws. And we are more willing to help others who struggle with it. And what if we did that with everything? What if we talked about everything just like that? What if there was a support group and a movement and research, and discussion, and empathy, and understanding, and knowledge about everything. And if we had that, would we all, not perfectly agree, but would we all be more understanding and accepting? If women were not shamed for coming forward after being sexually assaulted, called a liar or called a whore, would they be more likely to come forward? Would there be less sexual assault if we did not see someone else as weaker than us because of their gender, or race, or religion? Would there be less crime if we just talked about it?

I regret not being able to put away my anger long enough to have an honest conversation with him that day. I regret that I judged him so harshly on, simply, how he was raised, conditioned, and taught to believe, that I refused to have an important conversation that could maybe have changed both our lives. He is not less of a human or a bad human for feeling the way that he did. He was brought up in an environment where he does not have to worry about those things. And should he be shamed for that? Or should I have talked to him and had an open, uncomfortable, vulnerable, life changing conversation to which we both could have grown as humans? Where I am strong in one aspect of my life, I am weak in others. I am not perfect. And I am positive that there are things that I have said that are wrong or have offended someone or has proved that I am privileged. And those people whom I hurt more than likely did not confront me on my opinion or statement. And they probably did not feel comfortable challenging my thinking. And that is what I want to change. I want someone of color to look at someone who is white and be able to say, "that hurt me because of this..." And I want that person of color to not be accused of playing the "race card." Rather, the other person listen with empathy and an open mind. Willing to hear their side. And I want us to talk to each other about hard, uncomfortable topics. And I want everyone to stop worrying about offending everyone or feeling like they have to get offended.

We should constantly be challenging our own thinking. Growing in every way we can. Improving. We will never be perfect. And we are going to hurt other people with our words or opinions. But, the difference is being open to feedback and being open to being challenged by others. And forcing ourselves to be open minded and understanding of someone else's situation. Let's ask ourselves, "Why do I like this?" "Why do I dislike this?" "Why am I scared of this?" And let's think for ourselves and break this pattern of sticking to what we have been conditioned to think or believe. Because it is dividing us, creating hate, and causing problems. And damn, wouldn't it be amazing if we could just allow people to be who they are? Not because we agree with it or want that for ourselves, but because we have educated ourselves enough to just simple accept it. To accept people for who they are, no matter who that is. To accept people for where they are, no matter what age they are. To accept people for who they love, no matter who it is.

So, the next time you see a June Bug and allow it to crawl on your finger, ask yourself why it does not bother you while something else might. And how can you change your thinking and your heart to be more compassionate toward other things that you may not understand. And how much we could change the world by just having a conversation.